It’s Not Rocket Science : Let’s take a video walk on the stupid side

It’s probably a little late to be complaining about the “dumbing-down” of rock ‘n’ roll--about 35 or more years late, given that the stuff wasn’t constructed on a cornerstone of rocket science.

With many exceptions along the way, rock has had as some of its lasting hallmarks exaggerated emotionalism, short-sighted rebellion, freeze-frame juvenilia and even outright anti-intellectualism, and--as “Saturday Night Live’s” Stuart Smalley would consolingly add--that’s OK .

That said, geez, are things getting stoopid out there.

Case in point: the two most popular videos on MTV right now, both of which celebrate dunce-hood as a lifestyle. In one, the aging English outfit Def Leppard indulges in a cynical attempt at bonding with its core teen audience. Then there’s the frosh clip from the sophomoric Ugly Kid Joe, which at least can claim to have genuinely arisen out of its target demographic of suburban dunderheads.

These two acts are featured in the guaranteed-to-horrify-Allan-Bloom April edition of Sound & Vision, which this month focuses on currently airing hard-rock and metal videos, rated on a 0-100 scale.

Van Halen’s “Right Now.” Not all is lost on the rock video circuit. Van Halen’s latest is a clever takeoff on a recurrently popular form of art in which non-sequitur sentences scroll at seeming random. Over various shots of the band on and off the stage, the printed messages here--from Mark Fenske, an advertising copywriter making his directing debut--range from the depressingly quasi-philosophic (“Right now, time is having its way with you”; “Right now is just a space between ice ages”; “Right now, our government is doing things we think only other countries do”) to a few that are humorously band-related (“Right now, Mike is thinking about a solo project”). 80

Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.” “Wayne’s World” director Penelope Spheeris has done a nice job of intercutting footage from the film’s famous tooling-with-tunes car scene (some of it not actually in the movie) with vintage Queen videos. Sans ambient sound, Mike Myers, Dana Carvey and their three back-seat buddies look even more comical in a silent-film sort of way, miming with blissful unself-consciousness to the most majestically ridiculous of all ‘70s rock-operatic standards. There’s an element of stoner-age stupidity at work here, certainly, but, if anything, this video stands as a tribute to the power of music to cause heads to bang, hands to air-drum, lips to sync. 80

Nirvana’s “Come as You Are.” This is as close as Seattle’s unlikely superstars have come to a straight love song so far, undercut only by the giveaway “And I swear that I don’t have a gun” chorus, in which it seems that Kurt Cobain doth protest too much . The new video has said gun floating in the ever-present Nirvana pool, along with other images of frustration: a band member swinging on a chandelier, a dog in the rain fitted with a scratch-proof head guard, aggressively twitching little spermatozoa under the ‘scope. It’s sex as itch, as latent violence, as manly business as usual. 69

Spinal Tap’s “Bitch School.” Set in an all-girl school (as opposed to a “tall-girl school,” as the befuddled band members misunderstand in a brief prologue), this video has more sleepily compliant, lingerie-clad babes in one room than any clip since the Romantics’ groundbreakingly sexist “Talking in Your Sleep.” Censorship hounds, take note: MTV has seen fit to obscure a rear-view angle of the headmistress’ derriere with a blue dot, although it’s no racier than similar footage in George Michael’s “I Want Your Sex” a few years back. Does that mean it’s OK to leer sincerely but not in parody? 69

Def Leppard’s “Let’s Get Rocked.” “I’m just an average, ordinary, everyday kid / Happy to do nothin’ / In fact that’s what I did.” ( Sure you are, Joe.) And speaking of leppards (sic), let’s call this band’s story “The Spots of Dorian Gray”--the guys never change color, even as the band gets older, presumably wiser and further removed from the Wayne/Garth/Bill/Ted experience described in this work-avoidance anthem, which uses the word rock as a nasty, consonant-heavy euphemism ad nauseam. Lest the teens out there in mega-platinum land hesitate to relate to this tragedy-befallen band, the group offers up a computer-generated mascot as its celebratory, do-nothing dude surrogate: an animated kid in a vest, sideways cap and sneakers who looks like a goofy yet malevolent cross between Bob’s Big Boy and something out of “Lawnmower Man.” Horrors. 49

Ugly Kid Joe’s “(I Hate) Everything About You.” Apparently, the hateful feeling is not mutual for millions of youngsters primed for fake misanthropy with an adorable face. These Isla Vista lads look the post-Chili-Peppers part with their long, stringy hair and cutoff shorts, playing their cleaned-up punk in this sand-and-surf setting. In spite of--or perhaps because of--the extremism in the title sentiment, which singer Whitfield Crane IV intones with as much vocal sarcasm and facial mugging as possible, they’re so cute you want to take them home and sign them up for a major brewery sponsorship deal. “I mean it, man,” Johnny Rotten once sang, but all you can picture is these nice guys explaining to their poor moms why they don’t mean it after they get home from the beach. 45

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters.” Reviewing Metallica’s last video (the terribly bleak “The Unforgiven”), Sound & Vision helpfully suggested that the metal quartet lay off the dying-old-men visual motif, unfurrow its brows, retract the incisors and relax a little. Unfortunately, they took our advice. The result is one of those “behind the scenes” videos that make any non-sycophant want to gag, complete with guaranteed-to-thrill footage of the lads approving cover artwork and photo sessions, reading stories on themselves in porno magazines, shooting pool and hoops, making forefinger-and-pinkie gestures at the camera, and (just when you thought you were safe from social consciousness) sticking bills into a disabled veterans’ coin box at the airport. All is forgiven, boys; go back to your death and decay and leave the camcorders at home. 40

Warrant’s “We Will Rock You.” . . . not . The quintessence of doofus-rock, with the presence of one of the most proudly lunkheaded bands in the business brutally battering a defenseless old Queen favorite heightened only by the campy knock-’em-sock-’em clips from the disastrous teen-boxing pic “Gladiator.” If it’s possible to chuckle from the grave, Freddie Mercury must be enjoying posthumous hilarity over this one. 0

If all these silly-as-they-wanna-be rockin’ dudes seem unduly adolescent, consider the “adult” alternative:

Tori Amos’ “Silent All These Years.” Already big in England, Amos (an American) comes off in her solo debut as a curious cross between Kate Bush and Sinead O’Connor--precious, yet at the same time calculatedly in-your-face in surprising ways. (Such lines as “I got the Antichrist in the kitchen yellin’ at me again” and “Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon” are guaranteed attention-getters amid the sensitivity.) This striking video, full of video effects and up-close and direct, shows her off to the best possible effect. A blinding white background sets off pixilated, tinted close-ups of Amos’ porcelain visage mouthing those shock lines, or, at the end, just staring Mona Lisa-like into the camera. Whether she’s a future great or flavor of the month is still up for grabs, but that face, so starkly, teasingly framed, does draw you in. 78

Michael Bolton’s “Missing You Now.” Balladeer Bolton gets to do his trademark sullen-with-soul thing one more time, and why shouldn’t he look testy? He’s having to make it through a hard day at the recording studio , away from his gal, fabulous babe Teri Hatcher (“Sunday Dinner”), who works at what appears to be a Topanga Canyon gas station. While Bolton slaves away over a hot mixing board, we see flashbacks of their first cute-meet (his convertible got a tow and he communed with the common folk, satisfying the greatest fantasy of all rock-star vids: finding a stunningly beautiful woman who’s Not in the Business). Song completed, he drives up, car phone in hand, and she greets him with the kind of relieved enthusiasm once reserved for wives of returning soldiers. What better commercial for the Protestant work ethic could you ask for? 37