TOUR DE FORCE : <i> Thinking of Moving to L.A.? Come See the Sights and </i> Then <i> Decide.</i>

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Los Angeles. We’re thrilled that you’re thinking of moving here and joining the millions upon millions who’ve seen the city of the future and want to make it their home.

Sir, could you please not lean up against that wall? What? No, not dangerous--it’s just something from the last earthquake that they haven’t gotten around to fixing. Thanks a bunch.

Now let’s climb aboard the bus. You all got your relocation packets? Good. While we’re waiting for our driver to clean graffiti off the windshield, why don’t we go through the checklist? Everybody got a pencil?

Now don’t worry about that first one, having a firearm. That’s just to get your attention. We’ve got Julius here--stand up, Julius. And don’t point that thing at me, ha ha ha. That’s our little tour-guide joke--Julius will ride shotgun for us.

This coach is equipped with the same bulletproof glass that our county officials use in their limousines, so don’t for a minute worry about any stray bullets. And before I forget, we have a water cooler aboard. Now the city water is pure as pure, but some folks say it tastes like river water, and when you see our cement river, you’ll know that’s no compliment. So we got bottled Water to the Stars.

And never mind the item about smog filters. It’s a lovely day today, as you can see. The Santa Anas are blowing . . . which reminds me: We were going to take you up to the Hollywood Hills, but with that big fire going, we’ll have to scratch it. That just means more time at the beach.

OK, next: calculator. That’s for the home-buyers’ tour. You’ll need to be able to figure out how much your Indiana dollars--you all are from Indiana, right?--how much your Indiana dollars translate into L.A. dollars. Makes it seem almost like foreign travel, doesn’t it?

I’m sure you’ve all heard about our famous Charles Manson. We’ll be going by one of the places where he had some people killed. I’m sorry for smiling, folks. I was thinking that if ol’ Charlie was hoping for the Guinness record, he sure lost out. We’ve had some big-time killers around here--did in 20, 30 people some of ‘em. One fella they caught just because he was speeding or something and he got pulled over and there was a body right in the front seat, dead as you please. He tried to make like the dead guy was sleeping, but, of course, he wasn’t.

Ma’am? Oh, sure. If you’re gonna be sick, there’s a bathroom at the back of the bus. Folks, if you feel like you’re gonna be sick and can’t make it to the bathroom, there’s a little courtesy airsickness bag in your packet. Some of our visitors from out of town have a bit of trouble with the stop and go on the freeways when it’s backed up like this. You know, with the lurching and the swaying and the jerking and . . . oh, sorry.

OK, we’re going to be getting out here. This is the famous Santa Monica beach. Pretty, isn’t it? You can hardly see the oil slick today. Sir, sir! Please keep hold of your little boy’s hand. We don’t want him picking up any of those hypodermic needles that wash up.

Now over there . . . Excuse me? Well, sure, I guess we could. Julius, can you cover us? Is there a problem, folks? I don’t understand. Well, if you really feel that way. The airport’s only a few miles away. This time of day, you could make it in maybe an hour. But you’re not staying for the home-buyers’ tour? You’re going back home? I’m real sorry you feel that way, and I hope it’s nothing I said . . . Well, thank you for coming anyway. Maybe you’ll at least be back to visit . . .

Is that the last of ‘em, Julius? They all got taxis to LAX? Thank God. Gimme a cigarette, will ya? All right, let’s see, 22 people today. Fifty dollars a head for every one we can keep from moving to L.A. and $20 for each kid--how many kids did that Latham couple have? All right, that’s $1,200 . . . we get 25% . . . hey, that’s $300, buddy! And you know what? The company’s giving a $1,000 bonus to the first tour guide who can keep a thousand people from moving here. The no-growth tour! What an idea. Julius, I love L.A.