Return Fire
A sampling of printable put-downs for hecklers, from the arsenals of stand-up comics:
* Shut up. I don’t go where you work and unplug the Slurpee machine.
* I didn’t know Spam could talk.
* I can’t believe that out of 2 million sperm cells, you were the fastest swimmer.
* When you use those microwave ovens, you’re supposed to keep the door shut.
* That was the ventriloquist part of my show. My lips didn’t move but some dummy was talking.
* Waiter, can we have one more drink for this guy? He’s still conscious.
* I remember when alcoholics wanted to stay anonymous.
* This is a microphone; that is a beer. This makes me a comic; that makes you a jerk.
* For unintelligible drunks: I’m sorry. I don’t have my English-to-Quaalude dictionary.
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