Realignment Tilts to South

Florida and Georgia are fine states. They give us beaches and peaches. They give us greyhound racing--the dog, not the bus--and auto racing. They give us gators and skeeters. They give us juicy oranges and James Brown.

Are you prepared for what they intend to give us next?

For example, baseball?

For the past 100 years, Florida has been to major league baseball what Nebraska has been to surfing. But now, it appears that not one but two big league teams will be playing there soon--the new Florida Marlins and the transplanted St. Petersburg Giants, who are changing saints after unanswered appeals to Francisco and Jose.

St. Pete wins the pennant! St. Pete wins the pennant!

Takes some getting used to.

Where are they going to play--the Water Polo Grounds?

It was weird enough seeing a World Series being played in the Southeastern United States last season, without having three franchises take up permanent residence there. I guess baseball teams are like human beings; the older they get, the more they need to move some place warmer. By the 21st Century, I fully expect to be watching a series between the West Palm Beach White Sox and the Boca Raton Red Sox--all of whom will wear sandals instead of spikes.

Florida is a retirement community. By the time some folks take their seventh-inning stretch, it will be the eighth inning.

And what of poor Arizona? Why don’t the Giants move there ? If Phoenix is good enough for spring training, why isn’t it good enough for summer? Is it because St. Pete already has an air-conditioned dome, whereas Arizonans, who keep cool by soaking their heads in water, are in danger of melting like Margaret Hamilton? Or is this still part of the Chicago Cubs’ sinister plot to persuade world leaders that Illinois is east of Georgia?

All kidding aside, Florida and baseball were made for each other.

The question is, are Florida and Tom Lasorda made for each other?

I don’t blame Bob Lurie for U-Hauling his Giants 3,000 miles, and neither should anybody else. Lurie is the same man who saved the Giants for San Franciscans 16 years ago when Toronto was prepared to pirate them away. But when Lurie pleaded with taxpayers to subsidize a needed new stadium, San Francisco and San Jose voters said: “Read our lips. No new ballparks.”

So, he changed Bay Areas.

But now a wild rumor is afoot that a leading candidate to become the next manager of the Giants is Lasorda, which would be the craziest move since Eva Gabor moved to Green Acres.

I mean, how can you take Lasorda out of L.A.? How can you take the L.A. out of Lasorda?

He’d have to call himself Tom Sorda.

Other adjustments would include:

--Bleeding Giant black. (Ick.)

--Praying to the Big Giant in the Sky. (At least Big Dodger isn’t redundant.)

--Spring training in Gianttown. (Turn left at Willie McCovey Avenue, then hang a right on Juan Marichal Lane.)

And, of course, the biggest adjustment of all: Having your team’s radio station begin with a W instead of a K .

Peter O’Malley should give his blessing if Lasorda really does decide to do this. The Dodgers need to change managers every 20 or 30 years to stay fresh.

The balance of power in baseball is clearly shifting to the Southeast. Look at Atlanta. The Braves used to be about as tough to whip as egg yolks. Now, they could be the best team in the game. They could give us another World Series.

What else is Georgia going to give us?

The Atlanta Olympics, that’s what.

And a city that has given the world two of the worst ideas in history--the tomahawk chop and the new formula for Coca-Cola--has delivered unto us a third.

His name--or hers (I haven’t quite figured out its sex)--is “Whatizit,” and he or she is the newly created mascot for the 1996 Olympics.

I don’t know what Whatizit iz. Or what he duz. All I do know is that Moscow had a bear, Los Angeles had an eagle, Seoul had a tiger, Barcelona had a doggie and Atlanta intends to have a little mutant monstrosity that was born in the toxic dump of somebody’s imagination.

My greatest fear, I guess, is that Whatizit could influence the mascot choice of the St. Petersburg Giants. And if there is one thing this world of ours doesn’t need, it’s a Giant whatizit.