Image Conscious, Are You? Shoot for Gusto in the Gutters

Don’t have a cow, man. It’s OK to make fun of bowling when one of its own publications does, too.

Bowling Magazine commissioned that noted sportsman, Homer Simpson, to pass along a few tips. They even made Homer, Bart’s father, the cover boy. Then they included an editor’s note.

“We worry too much about our image,” it read. “Bowling is the sport of the people. Most of us are hard-working, home-owning, married guys with kids. We constantly try to makes our lives mean something, even if we sometimes fail. Despite it all, we are devoted to our families, just like Homer.

“So lighten up. We hope you enjoy the following tips.”

Among them:

--”Don’t sip another player’s beer when he’s gotten up to bowl his frame. Gulp it quickly.”

--”Homer’s basic law of bowling physics: ‘The louder you yell, the more pins will fall down.’

--”Didn’t win any trophies in the tournament? Those nifty multicolored shoes make fine ‘consolation prizes.’

--”Playing poorly? Faulty addition can work wonders on your score.”

--”Remember, you’re there to have fun. The comfort, safety and mental well-being of others are not your responsibility.”

Trivia time: Besides being baseball players, what do Ed Hearn, Rick Anderson and Mauro Gozzo have in common?

Boy of winter: In reality, right wing Stephane Richer has a new contract with the New Jersey Devils. But in his dreams--and apparently his summers, too--he is a baseball player.

He is spending his off-season from hockey in Quebec, playing in the Canadian senior men’s slow-pitch championships.

“That was my dream, to be a baseball player,” Richer said at the competition in Alberta. “It’s funny, I never dreamed to be a hockey player. If you gave me a chance tomorrow, I would switch. I would even pay to be in the major leagues.”

Soccer style: Organizers of the 1994 World Cup want fans to help name the mascot for the giant sports event, kicking off a six-week campaign to name the cartoon-character dog created by Warner Brothers Animation Studios.

Four names have been nominated: Striker, Sweeper, Sidekick and Champ. Fans can chose among those or suggest one of their own by phone (95 cents per call) or by mail on a 3 x 5 piece of paper to Name the World Cup Mascot Election, P.O. Box 8092, Marshfield, Wis., 54449-8092.

Sorry, but “Whatizit” is taken.

Pay to play: Former Cal State Fullerton slugger Dave Staton, a member of the triple-A Las Vegas Stars, recently hit a home run off Albuquerque’s Zak Shinall that went an estimated 550 feet. The ball ricocheted off the scoreboard, crushed light bulbs and set off an electrical spark.

The costly pitch followed Shinall beyond that game.

“That home run will cost me at least five dollars,” he said. “The Stars sent me a bill to pay for the lights.”

Trivia answer: They were players the Kansas City Royals received from the New York Mets in a trade for David Cone in 1987.

Quotebook: Atlanta Falcon safety Scott Case on his late hit against Philadelphia Eagle quarterback Randall Cunningham: “With Randall, they kind of treat him like a little kid. They probably carry his bags to and from the bus. They think he’s God or something. This game is a rough game. There ain’t no dresses out there. If they don’t like it, that’s tough, I’ll do it again tomorrow.”