From Top to Bottom in a Hurry

Rams 7, Buffalo 40. Raiders 13, Denver 17.

Trojans 31, San Diego State (San Diego State?) 31.

Dodgers in last place, 26 1/2 games out. Angels near next-to-last, 17 1/2 games out. Lakers fading, Bruins praying.

What has happened? When did we go from being the sports capital of the universe to being the sports cellar of the universe?

Hey, a Chuck Knox team doesn’t lose by 33 points. The other guys don’t get the ball that much. Knox teams lose --if they lose -- 17-14 , 21-20.

San Diego State doesn’t score 31 points on the Trojans. Notre Dame doesn’t score 31 points on the Trojans. The Green Bay Packers might not. Howard Jones must be spinning in his grave.

The Raiders, the only true AFC team to win Super Bowls, can’t figure out what to do with John Elway with a minute to play? He would never get rid of the football if Ted Hendricks, Ben Davidson, Phil Villapiano, John Matuszak and Lyle Alzado were there. He would be completing his passes to Rod Martin or Lester Hayes or Mike Haynes.

The Dodgers are 55-82!? The Dodgers?! The team of Jackie Robinson, Sandy Koufax, Don Drysdale, Pee Wee Reese, Gil Hodges, Reggie Smith, Dusty Baker, Steve Garvey, Dave Lopes, Billy Russell, John Roseboro? Gidouttahere!

What’s going on here? Did we say something wrong? Is God mad at us? Are we paying for someone’s sins? Fires, earthquakes, droughts, even floods, we can put up with. But the Dodgers in last? We will take that to the highest court in the land. Who is in charge here?

We have done everything you are supposed to do. We have painted our faces blue and gold, worn Raider black and silver, booed Jose Canseco, stayed clear through to the seventh inning most nights at Dodger Stadium, listened to Vin Scully, bought hot dogs, ate peanuts and Crackerjack, sang “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”--and what do we get in return? Last place? 7-40 scores?

We are supposed to get in World Series, Super Bowls, Final Fours. Atlanta is supposed to be finishing last. Cleveland.

L.A. is in a slump. We are going 0 for ’92.

What is to be done about it? Well, when a pro football team goes sour, you--to paraphrase the French adage-- cherchez le quarterback. Pro football teams get to the Super Bowl with a mediocre pass rush, an indifferent zone defense and even an ordinary set of running backs. But none get there without a first-rate quarterback. Elway has been in how many? The only one the Bears ever got in, Jim McMahon was at the controls. Joe Namath put the Jets in there. Joe Montana puts you in lots of Super Bowls. So does Terry Bradshaw. Roger Staubach.

We haven’t had a Super Bowl quarterback in this town since Jim Plunkett. Marc Wilson didn’t cut it. The Rams haven’t had one since Vince Ferragamo. I mean, Dieter Brock nearly piled up the franchise.

They say the Rams need running backs. Well, how many Super Bowls did Eric Dickerson put them in?

A car needs an ignition, a team needs a quarterback. Most pro games you would have to say were evenly matched. The quarterback is the difference.

Where do you get one? Well, it’s a crapshoot. Joe Montana was a third-round draft choice. People thought Tom Landry and the Cowboys were crazy for waiting four years for Staubach to get out of the Navy.

Bobby Hebert was available a year ago. His year-long layoff might have affected his physical condition, but he had Super Bowl written all over him for a team with the superior athletes of the Raiders. Mark Rypien was available two years ago, but the Redskins got lucky with him. Also surprised.

Knox comes as close as any coach to winning without a quarterback. He made do with Shack Harris and Pat Haden on the Rams, Joe Ferguson at Buffalo and Dave Krieg at Seattle. None of them had “Broadway” in front of their names--and Knox never got over the hump with them, either, despite having the likes of O.J. Simpson and Curt Warner at running back.

The baseball problem is a little thornier. It used to be, you could sign up hundreds of kids, send them down to the minors and let them sort themselves out. But you invest a million in a kid who becomes a star today and, as soon as he has played four years, he becomes a free agent and someone else cashes in on your investment. It is more economically feasible to put your money in a proven free agent yourself today.

Still, the Dodgers were unlucky--or uninformed. When they signed Darryl Strawberry and Eric Davis, they were following a well-worn path to success. Two sluggers, each of whom would help the other in the lineup, are as much a key to victory as a top quarterback in football or a top pivot man in basketball.

Unfortunately, they ended up with neither of them. And taking Strawberry and Davis out of a lineup is a little bit like taking Ruth and Gehrig out. It is wait-until-next-year time.

Whatever the reasons, L.A. got short-sheeted. Buffalo’s not supposed to beat us in anything but snowplowing. The Trojans look across a line of scrimmage at a Marshall Faulk, who has SC tailback written all over him.

What we have here is your basic disaster area. Two years ago, we would have figured it for a Communist plot. More likely, it’s a capitalist plot. It usually is.