TWO FORGETTABLE BASEBALL SEASONS : What Went Wrong? Sometimes It Was Laughable : Dodgers: During their first last-place finish since 1905, even remembering to wear spikes was a problem.

When the air-conditioning was finally turned off on the Dodgers’ season Sunday in the charming Houston Astrodome, the players’ first instinct was to forget.

Forget that they were the worst team in baseball. Forget that they were arguably the worst Dodger team in 87 years.

Forget that in one instance, pinch-runner Eric Young forgot to wear his spikes.

“We need to get out of the clubhouse and wipe the slate clean on this season as soon as possible,” Eric Karros said.

But to ignore this season would be a bigger mistake than playing it.

The Dodgers were not merely bad, they were memorably bad. In their own slapstick way, they created as much Dodger history as any fly ball hit by Kirk Gibson.

So maybe none of this matters to Duke Snider and Sandy Koufax. Shouldn’t somebody consider the memory of Emil (Heinie) Batch?

In 1905, the last time the Dodgers finished in last place, Batch was the third baseman.

In 145 games, he committed 57 errors.

He had more errors than runs batted in, and 10 times as many errors as home runs.

In Batch’s honor, therefore, we present the best and worst--mostly the worst--of 1992 . . . the Heinie Awards:

And Steve Yeager is doing radio?--The Dodgers lost one game because catcher Mike Scioscia illegally stopped a ball with his mask and lost another because catcher Mike Piazza did not properly call time out.

Willie, Mickey and the Doc--When team psychiatrist Herndon Harding traveled with the team, he wore a Dodger uniform and roamed the outfield during batting practice.

Quote of the year--Bob Ojeda after watching Kevin Gross throw a no-hitter on Gross’ wife’s birthday, four days before Ojeda was starting on his wife’s birthday: “Why couldn’t he have just bought her some jewelry?”

Quote of the year, right-hander--Eric Karros, the weary first baseman, after infielders had committed five of the Dodgers’ six errors on Aug. 13 in Cincinnati: “Good thing the dugouts were close.”

Error, judgment--When the Dodgers returned to the clubhouse after having postponed five games because of rioting last spring, one of the players was brandishing a gun.

Error, mouth--Mitch Webster was ejected from a game in which he did not play.

Error, public address announcer--In the ninth inning against the Atlanta Braves on June 9 at Dodger Stadium, Pete Arbogast mistakenly announced Brian Hunter as a pinch-hitter before the umpires had officially allowed Hunter into the game.

Tom Lasorda heard the announcement and rushed reliever John Candelaria to the mound. Upon seeing Candelaria, Hunter casually returned to the dugout and the original hitter, Sid Bream, came to the plate instead.

Candelaria retired Bream and the Dodgers eventually won the game, but only after somebody from the dugout had called the press box, screaming.

Coincidence of the year, we think--The last line of Brett Butler’s biography in the Dodger media guide reads, “Listed teammate John Candelaria as the toughest pitcher he’s ever faced.”

Soon he will be able to buy the building--Karros was so worried about sticking with the Dodgers during the first month, he paid $400 rent on an apartment in Albuquerque.

Don’t say you weren’t warned--In the Dodgers’ first spring training game against the Atlanta Braves, they committed five errors.

Thanks, but next year he’ll just watch on TV--Mike Sharperson played third base for the National League in the All-Star game, yet started there only 19 times the rest of the season.

Home run of the year--On June 1 in Pittsburgh, pinch-hitter Webster understood one word while reading the lips of Pirate pitcher Denny Neagle during a mound conference.

The word was, curveball.

Webster hit Neagle’s next pitch, a curveball, into the left-field seats for a three-run homer.

“I still got lucky,” Webster said. “What if he was saying, ‘I’ll throw that guy anything but a curveball.’ ”

Error, Lasorda--During the eighth inning of a close game in Philadelphia, Lasorda phoned the press box to set up a meeting with a writer who had angered him.

And shortly after a difficult loss in St. Louis, Lasorda phoned a radio talk show and publicly scolded the host for questioning his strategy.

It’s the shoes--One small detail eluded Eric Young when he took over as a pinch-runner in the eighth inning of a game against the Pirates Aug. 24.

He had forgotten to put on his cleated shoes.

Wearing turf shoes, Young was thrown out trying to steal second base.

A top prospect when awake--During the Dodgers’ record-tying seven-error game against the San Francisco Giants, pitcher Tom Candiotti stepped off the mound and tried to get the attention of shortstop Jose Offerman, who was standing 30 feet away.

It took Candiotti nearly a minute.

According to a witness, Candiotti’s attempts went like this: “Jose! Hey, Offie! Offie! Offerman!!!!”

Only eight would be enough--Also during the seven-error game, somebody in the dugout called the press box on behalf of Candiotti, complaining that an eighth error should have been charged.

But how much did it cost them in Magic Markers?--As part of their cost-cutting measures, the Dodgers wrote “LA” on each batting practice baseball, devaluing the balls so the players would not give them away as souvenirs.

Maybe he thought Lasorda would be wearing a Giant uniform--Billy Ashley walked into Lasorda’s office after one tough defeat wearing a Miami Marlin cap.

Some operation--During the last game covered by Steve Dilbeck of the San Bernardino Sun before transferring to the Rams, the breaking story was Darryl Strawberry’s announcement that he would undergo back surgery.

When Dilbeck returned to Dodger Stadium six weeks later to cover one more game, the breaking story was Darryl Strawberry’s announcement that he would undergo back surgery.

It figures--The Dodgers had no home games rained out but one was delayed when the infield sprinklers shot up around them in the middle of an inning.

Not everybody compared him to Garvey--When Karros let a ground ball go through his legs in the seventh inning in Chicago, leading to another defeat, some Wrigley Field fans began chanting “Buck-ner! Buck-ner! Buck-ner!”

Statistic of the year--Brett Butler finished the season with more bunt hits than Strawberry had hits, 41-37.

1-2 punch--Not only did Jose Offerman lead the National League with 42 errors, Lenny Harris finished second with 27.

Injury of the year--Kal Daniels, a left-handed hitter, had to be put on the disabled list after twisting his knee while taking batting practice right-handed.

Could happen to anybody--Billy Ashley suffered a swollen jaw after getting hit in the face with a ball . . . while playing right field.

Dave Hansen failed to throw a runner out because he tripped over a bat . . . while playing third base.

Yeah, but Terry Pendleton was getting old--Only one of the 10 players voted as a top prospect in the Pacific Coast League five years ago was still in the PCL this season. That was third baseman Jeff Hamilton, wearing an Albuquerque uniform.

Error, RSVP--When a veteran held a late-season party at his home, everyone on the team said he would be there. But only half the team showed up.

Where did you say Steve Yeager was again?--Lonnie Smith, best known for his baserunning blunder that cost the Atlanta Braves the World Series championship, stole his first base this season Sept. 7 against the Dodgers.

The next day, also against the Dodgers, he stole another.

You see, they did fall off the face of the earth--Mitchell Fink, a Los Angeles gossip columnist and longtime Dodger fan, was vacationing in Vermont when he picked up a local newspaper and nearly choked on his orange juice.

The Dodgers had been omitted from the National League West standings, which listed only five teams.

“I knew things were going bad, but. . . ,” Fink said.

Biggest embarrassment in a year of embarrassments--Among the seven players who missed the original shooting of the team photo were rookies Henry Rodriguez and Pedro Martinez, up with the big league team for the first time.