CHARGERS REPORT CARD

QUARTERBACKS (B+)

Presidential debates? Be serious: What happens if Stan Humphries continues to improve? Humphries or John Friesz in ‘93? Humphries, however, runs for a two-yard touchdown in same time it takes most people to run a 5K.

RUNNING BACKS (A)

Well, Pilgrim, it was like watching a John Wayne movie as Rod Bernstine rode roughshod over bad guys from Indy. But who wrote this script? You think they’d have the Duke ride off into the sunset with his arm in a sling?

RECEIVERS (A)

Studies have now shown that Nate Lewis catches the ball better indoors. What’s Alex Spanos waiting for? Dome over San Diego Jack Murphy Stadium. Looks like Shawn Jefferson took his own advice when he told fans to stay the hell away.

OFFENSIVE LINE (A+)

The way Quackmaster Mauck had The Mighty Ducks playing Sunday you get the feeling they could even have made Sinead O’Connor look good. Now someone tell the Quackmaster who Sinead O’Connor is.

DEFENSIVE LINE (A+)

Inside info on that offside penalty on George Thornton: Sources say QB Jeff George yelled, “cheeseburger,” and Thornton just couldn’t hold back. You want to hear something really heavy? Thornton has more sacks than Burt Grossman.

LINEBACKERS (B-)

Asking guys like Henry Rolling and Steve Hendrickson to make up for somebody like Junior Seau is just the sort of thing Padres’ management has in mind for fans next year. Charger fans, however, get Seau back this week.

DEFENSIVE BACKS (B)

If Darren Carrington plays against Jeff George every week he’s in the Pro Bowl instead of on the bench most of the time. Was that a cold bucket of water in Donald Frank’s hands after the game?

SPECIAL TEAMS (A)

It was like the San Diego version of “Hoosiers.” A bunch of stiffs, who are drilled relentlessly, come together under the tutelage of a guy nobody thought could coach and together they triumph. Just not the same, though, without Barbara Hershey.

COACHING (A)

The Ted Heads are dead. Long live The Bobby Dudes? Bobby Pins? Bobby Pin Heads? Chargers win first game outside California since Nov. 4, 1990. And you thought they scheduled Super Bowl for Rose Bowl this year just on Chargers’ account.