Certain Divisions Are a Lock

Proposed realignment for the second half of the 1992 NFL season:

VINCE LOMBARDI TROPHY DIVISION

(Teams voted most likely to succeed on Jan. 31, 1993)

1. San Francisco: The Team of the ‘80s modernizes at last. Steve Young, Ricky Watters, Mike Sherrard--the offense is so good, Jerry Rice has become an afterthought.

2. Dallas: Playing a football game in the Rose Bowl in January? Troy Aikman admits that the idea has him intrigued.

3. Philadelphia: Losses at Kansas City, Washington and Dallas are not necessarily signs of erosion, but Rich Kotite had best brush up on his history. Benching Randall Cunningham did wonders for Buddy Ryan’s career.

SUPER BOWL RUNNER-UP DIVISION

(Or: “Who will win the AFC title game?”)

1. Miami: Keith Jackson was going to turn the franchise around and, well, he surely has. The Dolphins are 1-2 in their last three games.

2. Buffalo: Marv Levy isn’t asking for much. Just some elbow room for Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas.

WON’T BE RETURNING TO CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME DIVISION

1. Washington: Halt to the Redskins. If ever a Super Bowl champion was supposed to be recession-proof, it was Joe Gibbs’ burgundy and gold. But the Redskins have already lost to the Cowboys, the Giants (!) and the Cardinals (?) and Toronto Argonaut-wanna-be Mark Rypien has Washingtonians wondering if a body switch wasn’t made during customs.

2. Denver: The education of Tommy Maddox. Young Tommy sits and watches and winces as John Elway goes one-on-22 week after week.

3. Detroit: Where would Barry Sanders be without his offensive line? Now he knows.

WON’T BE FOOLED AGAIN DIVISION

1. Houston: “This is the year Warren Moon finally reaches the Super Bowl, blah, blah, blah.” Tell it to us again next September.

2. New York Jets: “Team on the upswing.” And then the swing set broke.

ROOKIE COACHES DIVISION

1. Pittsburgh: O’Donnell-to-Graham doesn’t have the same sound as Bradshaw-to-Swann, but Bill Cowher is using it to do a pretty fair impression of Chuck Noll.

2. Minnesota: Yesterday, they called this place Viking Country. Now it’s Greenland.

3. San Diego: The difference between Texas’ Boss Ross and San Diego’s? Bobby didn’t quit when he was 0-4.

4. Green Bay: So much for Mike Holmgren to live up to--Vince Lombardi slept here, Bill Walsh groomed him. But he has a quarterback named Favre, which rhymes with “starve,” which is what the Packers had been doing before Holmgren arrived, and together, they are 3-5. Not necessarily a return to “Titletown, USA,” but not a return to Phil Bengston, either.

5. Cincinnati: David Shula started 2-0. Then his team started acting his age.

OUT-OF-CONTROL COACHES DIVISION

1. Chicago: Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. It could be time for the tranquilizer gun.

OUT-OF-WORK COACHES DIVISION

(As of Jan. 1, 1993)

1. New York Giants: Ray Handley can’t need the money that much.

2. Atlanta: Doomsday is a-coming, sure enough. At least Jerry Glanville’s dressed for it.

3. Phoenix: Joe Bugel has orchestrated two of the season’s biggest upsets--Cardinals over 49ers, Cardinals over Redskins--but Bill Bidwill keeps asking about the other six games.

VOTED FOR BUSH DIVISION

(Conservative to the core)

1. New Orleans: Recipe for an NFC West championship, Cajun style--get ‘em in the Dome and have Morten Andersen kick ‘em to death.

2. Kansas City: Marty Schottenheimer has Barry Word, Christian Okoye and Harvey Williams at running back, has Dave Krieg and Mark Vlasic at quarterback, is seriously considering the wing-T.

3. Rams: Last Sunday, the Rams trailed by two points and punted on fourth and three with 1:54 left. The Falcons couldn’t believe it. Last Sunday, the Rams needed to hurry up in the final two minutes and were still operating out of a three-tight-end set. Jim Everett couldn’t believe it. That’s Chuckball, through and through, but Knox also happens to be 3-5 with three-point defeats to the 49ers and the Saints. To Ram fans, Knox is known as Mr. Excitement.

4. Raiders: Art (In A) Shell has an offense that has scored fewer than 20 points six times in eight games. Solution: Demote Marcus Allen to third string.

GREAT PLACE FOR A 4-4 FOOTBALL TEAM BUT YOU WOULDN’T WANT TO LIVE THERE DIVISION

1. Cleveland: Stat of the year: The Browns won three in a row (over Pittsburgh, Green Bay and New England) with Chicago castoff/Green Bay castoff/Cleveland third-stringer Mike Tomczak at quarterback.

2. Indianapolis: The Colts needed to score more touchdowns on the ground, so they traded Eric Dickerson and drafted Steve Emtman.

MARSHALL FAULK DIVISION

(Where finishing worst is really first)

1. New England: The NFL’s first 0-16 season is at hand. On paper, only two potential spoilers stand in the way--the Jets on Nov. 22 and the Bengals on Dec. 20.

2. Seattle: The Spirit of ’76. Most franchises have to go through expansion only once.

SAM WYCHE DIVISION

1. Tampa Bay: Sam’s always been in his own little world.