BASEBALL WINTER MEETINGS : A Truly Ruthian Contract

“Hello, operator? Do you suppose you could get me someone on the astral cellular phone network? What? Oh, a fellow by the name of George Herman Ruth. That’s right, also known as The Babe. Try heaven first. If there’s no answer there, we’ll go to Plan B.

“Hello, Babe? Is this really you? How’s it going, big guy? You say ‘great?’ Oh, I see. The balls don’t curve, every card is an ace and the drinks are on the house? Fantastic! Your kind of spot, eh, Babe?

“Babe, this is a sportswriter from Los Angeles. What? Los Angeles. Yeah, we got papers here now. What? Be sure to say hello to Charlie Chaplin and Theda Bara for you? Well, I would if I could, Babe. But, it’s 1992 down here. What? You never could keep track of time? So I’ve been told.

“Babe, I’m calling to ask you what you think of what has happened to the grand old game. Everybody asks me, what would Babe Ruth think? So, I thought I’d find out.

“Just to fill you in, Babe, your records have been falling like tenpins. Your strikeout record as a batter, your strikeout record as a pitcher. What? You say your single-season home run record is safe? No, Babe, a guy named Roger Maris broke that 30 years ago. What’s that you say? ‘The hell he did?’ Yeah, Babe, he did. What? When did he go in the Hall of Fame? Well, actually, Babe, he didn’t. You see, the most home runs he ever hit in any other season was 39. He ended up with 275, which means he averaged only 19 homers a year in the other 11 seasons he played.

“What? You say your career record is safe? Well, not exactly, Babe. Henry Aaron broke that. By 41 home runs. What? Oh, yeah, he made the Hall of Fame, all right. Almost unanimously. Funny thing, though, he’s not a happy camper. He never felt he got the credit due him. Henry felt it was because of his race. But I’m not so sure. Roger Maris was white, but beating your record never brought him anything but misery and resentment. Henry Aaron was a perfectly marvelous ballplayer. If he broke Ty Cobb’s record, or if Maris broke Rogers Hornsby’s records, it would be perfectly OK with the public. They would be on a pedestal. When Pete Rose broke Cobb’s record, everybody was happy--especially his bookies. Not because he was white, but because nobody gave a shoot about Cobb. They didn’t like him. But I don’t know as it was ever a good idea to break your records. It was like beating Dempsey. The public figured you had some nerve to do that.

“What? You say you have one record that will never be broken? What’s that, Babe? You earned $80,000 in a single season and made $5,000 more that year than the President of the United States?

“Babe, I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m a little embarrassed how to put this. It’s what I’ve been meaning to call you about.

“Babe, you have to know baseball just signed a guy for $43.75 million. Babe! Babe! Did you drop the phone? No, you heard me right. I said 43 million. Six zeros.

“What? Oh, he makes more than the President, all right. The President of the United States makes $200,000 a year. But he can’t hit the curveball.

“What? Well, this guy gets $2.5 million for a salary bonus, then he goes from $4 million to $8 million a year for six years. Babe, I know J. Pierpont Morgan or J.D. Rockefeller or Thomas Edison didn’t make that kind of money in your day, but these are different times. You don’t have to corner the gold market or discover oil or invent the electric light to get to be a millionaire. You just need to be able to hit the curve, have a jump shot, be able to putt or run the 40 in 4.3. You don’t serve humanity, you entertain it. “Did this guy hit 60 homers? Not exactly. But he did hit 34 last year--the most he’s ever hit.

“Did he hit .400, you want to know? Not quite, Babe. He hit .314. That’s the most he’s ever hit. Yes, yes, I know you hit .393 once, .378 twice, .376, .373, .372, .359 and so on, that the worst full season you ever had even over the hill was .288 and your lifetime was .342. What? Oh, this guy’s lifetime is .270. But Babe, that’s not the point. They gave a shortstop a $10.7-million contract--and he batted .246 last year. The Yankees gave a pitcher who has been suspended seven times for drug abuse $4.2 million.

“Babe, everybody knows it’s crazy, but that’s not all. The $43.75-million man gets $100,000 more if he wins the MVP award, which he did this year. He gets a suite to himself on the road at the club’s expense. I know you roomed with Joe Dugan and Jimmie Reese, Babe. But Jimmie always said he roomed with your suitcase. Babe, I know you had to threaten to hold out just to get a lower berth. But that was then. These guys would want their own train.

“What? You say this guy must be a popular figure coast to coast? In much demand to visit young kids in hospitals and promise to hit homers for them? No, I don’t think so, Babe. To tell you the truth, this kid kind of keeps to himself. I don’t think too many people outside of Pittsburgh--that’s where he played, Babe--even know what he looks like. He’s not the kind of Santa Claus figure you were, Babe.

“You know how the press made you? You know, ‘The Bambino,’ ‘The Sultan of Swat,’ ‘Murderers Row’--that kind of thing? This young man doesn’t understand that part of it. I guess he thinks it’s just natural for a guy to get $43 million and a suite of his own just to stand out in right field blowing bubble gum all night.

“I don’t think he’ll sell tickets. Not $43.75 million worth of them. Or help sell that many cars on the tube. Does he give all the dirty-faced little kids autographs? For $10,000 a pop at the card shows. No, Babe, your name is still synonymous with runaway perfection. A guy is still ‘the Babe Ruth of chefs’ or ‘the Babe Ruth of deep sea fishing’ if he excels at what he does. What’s that you say? You’d rather have the money?

“What? You say that, for the first time, you’re not so sure you’re in heaven? Babe! Did I say something to upset you?”