There Are Ways to Get Along

Charles Barkley throws elbows. Alonzo Mourning throws punches. Bill Laimbeer talks trash. Robin Ficker, an attorney, sits behind a bench at Washington Bullet games and hurls verbal abuse at visiting players. Other fans hurl similar abuse at the opponents and officials.

Can’t we all get along?

Deion Sanders throws buckets of ice water at Tim McCarver. Lou Piniella uproots bases and throws them. Rob Dibble scuffles with his manager in the locker room. Marge Schott bans a reporter from the dining room because he insulted her dog. Yankee Stadium fans hurl objects and insults at Bobby Bonilla.

Can’t we all get along?

Doug Gilmour does violent things on the ice. Mario Lemieux takes a stick in the face. Goaltenders chop at the legs of bypassing players with their sticks. One coach hurls equipment over the rail. Another coach calls an official a fat pig. Quebec fans wear diapers and chew on pacifiers so they can tell Eric Lindros he’s a big baby.

Can’t we all get along?

Riddick Bowe ridicules Lennox Lewis. Bowe’s manager slugs a photographer. Mike Tyson tells an opponent that he intends to “turn you into my girlfriend.” Tyson goes to jail for assaulting a woman. Greg Haugen says horrible things about Julio Cesar Chavez. Chavez replies in kind.

Can’t we all get along?

Gunfire accidentally wounds a USC player at football practice. A national magazine falsely portrays Dorsey High School as a combat zone. A Laker player and executive are each mugged outside their own arena. A Clipper player is rousted by cops simply because his car is double-parked. Jamaal Wilkes is pulled over for no reason. Joe Morgan is handcuffed for no reason. Mark Higgs is arrested for no reason.

Can’t we all get along?

John McEnroe is still treating people with disrespect. Bobby Fischer is still treating people with disrespect. Rick Mahorn is still dissing people. Kal Daniels is still dissing people. Mike Ditka is still dissing people.

Can’t we all get along?

A U.S. Olympic relay team feuds with the coach over who gets to run. A boxer blames defeat on the “ignorant” judges. A volleyball player costs his country a victory by ripping an official. A runner accuses those who ran ahead of her of using drugs. A Russian weightlifter throws his bronze medal to the floor. The wife of Dave Johnson publicly condemns Dan O’Brien for “unfortunate, even un-American” behavior for Dan’s daring to criticize Dave.

Can’t we all get along?

The baseball commissioner loses his job. The hockey league’s president loses his job. The San Antonio basketball coach, the Auburn football coach, the San Diego baseball manager, the Kings’ hockey coach, the Angels’ radio announcer, the Detroit Tigers’ president, the Cincinnati Reds’ general manager and Los Angeles’ greatest basketball (Magic), football (Marcus) and baseball (Fernando) stars lose their jobs.

Can’t we all get along?

The coach tells the reporter: “You saw the game. You don’t need me to tell you what happened.” Then the coach tells the reporter: “You don’t know a thing about the game.” The reporter tells an athlete that he has no business playing two sports at the same time. Then the reporter goes out and gets a second job. The athlete tells the world: “The biggest problem is the media.” Then the athlete goes out and gets a job with the media.

Can’t we all get along?

American people demand respect for the flag, then carry another country’s upside-down. Canadian people detest disrespect, but support a team called the Canucks. Southern people are offended by stereotypes, but support a team that mocks the dress and behavior of American Indians. The nation’s capital is a bastion of liberty and justice for all, but supports a team called the Redskins. When a writer praises an Olympic ice skater as “the All-American girl,” members of women’s-rights groups castigate him for not calling her a woman.

Can’t we all get along?

The L.A. Clippers sponsor “Neighborhood Pride” assistance programs for 7,500 local youths. Magic Johnson at the Olympics donates $5,000 worth of toys to underprivileged Spanish children for Christmas. Olden Polynice picks up a broom and aids a clean-up effort after the riots. The San Diego Padres offer free tickets to 5,000 jobless people. Jim Brown visits prison inmates and helps them find jobs.

We can get along. We can. We can.