Ditka Needed to Leave Bears With a Roar

Columnist Mike Royko of the Chicago Tribune was disappointed with Mike Ditka’s farewell speech as coach of the Chicago Bears.

“What should he have said?” Royko wrote. “Let’s give it a try:

“I’ll tell you why I was fired. It’s very simple. (CEO Mike McCaskey is) an Ivy League stiff, and I am not an Ivy League stiff. He does not drink, swear or raise his squeaky voice in anger. I drink, swear and sometimes bellow like a crazed bull. Especially when people throw dumb interceptions.

“So he wants to hire a coach who will stand on the sidelines like someone perusing paintings at the Art Institute. Hey, there’s a war out there, not a cricket match.”

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Trivia time: Who holds the PGA Tour record for most victories in a calendar year?

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Come again? In trying to explain a recent overtime loss to the Orlando Magic despite Michael Jordan’s 64 points, Chicago Bull Coach Phil Jackson stumbled over his metaphors.

“We got caught with our pants down, playing coy, and as a consequence we got ourselves in a great big hole,” Jackson said.

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Get the Songbird ready: Larry King, famous for founding TeamTennis and for being the former husband of Billie Jean King, is a father for the first time. His wife, Nancy King, gave birth to a baby boy last week. They named him Andrew Sky King.

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Missile launching: Qadry Ismail, tired of being known as Raghib (Rocket) Ismail’s little brother, is indulging in self-promotion.

“I’ve put up my own numbers,” Qadry said. “I’m not called the Missile for nothing. I’ve got the hands to catch the ball, and obviously when I catch it, I’m a threat to go all the way.”

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Hair-raising: Seldom has a football coach’s coiffure been analyzed as much as Jimmy Johnson’s. Here’s a detailed version of the Dallas Cowboys coach’s hairstyle from John Crumpacker of the San Francisco Examiner:

“The finished product is a varnished helmet of silvery brown with a bold sweep over his forehead, capped off by an insouciant tuft of gray on the left and an interstate-highway part on the right.

“With God knows what holding it so firmly in place that not even a Texas twister could dislodge a single hair from its appointed place in the lineup, Johnson’s hair actually casts a shadow on his brow. Wow.”

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Logo news: The Oakland Athletics have a new logo. Gone is the friendly elephant balancing on a baseball and waving a bat in his trunk. The new logo is a front view of an angry-looking pachyderm holding two crossed bats in his trunk.

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For the record: Marv Fleming shares the record of having played in the most Super Bowl games, five, with Larry Cole, Cliff Harris, D.D. Lewis, Charlie Waters, Rayfield Wright, all with the Dallas Cowboys, and Preston Pearson with the Baltimore Colts, Pittsburgh Steelers and Cowboys.

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Trivia answer: Byron Nelson, with 18 in 1945.

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Quotebook: Minnesota Timberwolves forward Chuck Person, on rookie teammate Christian Laettner: “He’s got an awful lot of pride, and hey, he sometimes can be stubborn. But he has a heart somewhere, I think . . . “