If You Have to Ask, You Can’t Afford to Hear the Answer

Inquiring minds need to know.

Question: How come football players have to play in the rain but golfers don’t? Doesn’t lightning strike football players?

Answer: Lightning is afraid of football players.

Q. Do you think Anaheim hockey players would be embarrassed at being called the “Mighty Ducks?”

A. Yes. But remember, those Disney people don’t even draw Donald wearing pants.

Q. Are you sad or glad about Dennis Rodman not coming to Los Angeles from Detroit?

A. Are you kidding? A tattooed head case who shaves messages into his scalp and sits inside an automobile holding a gun? He would fit right in.

Q. What’s all this talk about NCAA Marge Madness? Hasn’t that woman been punished enough?

A. March, March.

Q. George Steinbrenner is about to take over the Yankees again. What happens next in New York?

A. The World Trade Center explosion moves back to Page 2.

Q. Hillary Rodham Clinton is going to throw out the first ball at Wrigley Field this season. Your reaction?

A. Knowing the Cubs, she’ll probably hurt her arm.

Q. Why did Riddick Bowe go to Rome for an audience with the Pope?

A. It’s the first honest man he has met since becoming a boxer.

Q. Did the Rams designate a “franchise player?”

A. Yes. Dave Thomas of Wendy’s.

Q. What is the most surprising thing about the L.A. Open being sponsored by Nissan?

A. That they play it at a club named after a Buick.

Q. Why are you so sorry that Doug Christie of the Lakers won’t be playing Tuesday at Denver’s arena?

A. Because I’ve always wanted to see Christie at McNichols.

Q. Who is the horse to beat at the Kentucky Derby?

A. The one running in front of the others.

Q. Don’t you think UCLA should fire its basketball coach?

A. One coach couldn’t win a championship with Shaquille O’Neal and you want to fire the UCLA coach because he couldn’t win one with Don MacLean?

Q. What do Bo Jackson and Vanilla Ice have in common?

A. Artificial hip.

Q. What helped tennis player Tracy Austin most on her long road to recovery?

A. She got plenty of rest, she worked out regularly and she stayed away from a tennis tour sponsored by a tobacco company.

Q. Why did they remove the track at the Coliseum?

A. They heard Todd Marinovich was nude hurdling.

Q. Do you think the Dallas Mavericks will win 10 games?

A. In the ‘90s? I suppose.

Q. Isn’t it about time Mark Langston was with a winning team?

A. You have the question backward.

Q. What do you think about the Colorado Rockies not being permitted to grow hair on their faces?

A. I think after a month or two, they’ll be afraid to show them in public.

Q. If Aladdin granted you three wishes, what would they be?

A. 1. Please don’t name the hockey team that. 2. Please don’t name the hockey team that. 3. Please don’t name the hockey team that.

Q. What do Michael Dokes, Mary Decker and Michael Douglas have in common?

A. Falling down.

Q. What can other golfers do to stop Phil Mickelson?

A. They could bring in Bob Charles or Russ Cochran around the ninth or else pitch around him.

Q. If our NHL players had been permitted to play in the next Winter Olympics, where would they finish?

A. Same as in baseball. Second to Canada.

Q. What’s the first thing George Steinbrenner will be told at Yankee training camp?

A. “But you can’t make him the manager. He’s dead.”

Q. Which Broadway musical will you probably never see in your lifetime?

A. “Damn Marlins.”

Q. Why do so many drag-racing “funny cars” catch fire?

A. I don’t know. Could be those “Dateline NBC” people again.

Q. Did the Buffalo Bills list Thurman Thomas as a franchise player?

A. They were going to, but they forgot where they put him.

Q. Who do you think will win the next Davis Cup?

A. Even my mind isn’t that inquiring.