Best Advice Is to Keep Mouth Shut

Woodrow Wilson once described golf as “a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill-adapted for the purpose.”

As if that weren’t enough, the purists insist on some extreme regulations. For instance: Arnold Palmer hit a perfect five-iron to the green during the 1971 Ryder Cup matches, causing his opponent’s caddie to gush: “What a great shot, Mr. Palmer. What did you hit?”

Palmer told him it was a five-iron, whereupon officials awarded the hole to Palmer even though it had been halved in pars. Why? Because Palmer’s opponent had “illegally sought advice” from the opposition.

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Add golf rules: Raymond Floyd shot a par 36 on the front nine during a Florida tournament, but mistakenly wrote 36 in the box reserved for the ninth-hole score. After completing 18 holes, he signed the card, turned it in, and PGA officials posted his score as 110.

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For good reason: More than 640,000 copies of the Rules of Golf were distributed last year in the United States.

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Trivia time: What is the smallest weight-limit classification in boxing?

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High pockets: At 5 feet 11, Michelle McGann is one of the taller players on the LPGA tour. Bill Huffman of the Arizona Republic reports that two of her recent dates were with Tim Kempton, the Phoenix Suns’ 6-10 reserve center, and John Fina, a 6-6 offensive tackle with the Buffalo Bills. When Huffman asked if she only dates athletes, McGann said: “Just tall ones.”

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Pro recruiter: Ric Bucher of the San Jose Mercury News notes that the Suns’ Charles Barkley has become an unabashed recruiter for his adopted Phoenix. When he heard that free-agent quarterback Steve Beuerlein was going to visit the New England Patriots after having talked with the Cardinals, Barkley told him:

“You don’t want to go up there. If you want to get your butt beat, get it beat in the sun. At least if you lose here, you can go play golf and let your frustrations go.”

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The way it is: When pro Donnie Hammond was asked to explain the difference between the golf games of a group of reporters and Fred Couples, he replied: “He plays with effortless power. You guys play with powerless effort.”

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Different strokes: For a while, Jack Clark had no job in baseball and no driver for his top fuel dragster. Then he signed a minor league contract with the Montreal Expos. It might have stalled Clark’s plans for a second career.

“If there’s a possibility that (driving) would not jeopardize my contract for this year, I would really consider it,” he said before signing. “It would be a dream come true for me.”

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Good-luck charm: Health problems have limited Denne Freeman, Texas sports editor for Associated Press, to covering only three Dallas Maverick games this season. The team won all three--nearly half of its total to date.

“I don’t see why everyone says they’re so bad,” Freeman joked to friends.

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Role model: Joby Wright, Miami of Ohio’s basketball coach, suffered a torn tendon in a knee when he fell to the floor during a late-season game. He spent the second half seated on the bench with an ice pack on the knee.

Asked if it hurt, Wright said: “Hell, yes, it hurts. But I tell my players to suck it up, so I’d better suck it up, too.”

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Trivia answer: Strawweight, 105 pounds.

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Quotebook: Tom Lasorda, 65, on aging: “It (time) really moves fast. You know--Whoosh! You just want to hold the clock back. I look up and I say, ‘God Almighty, spring training is damn near over.’ ”