That girl: The editors of “Mondo Barbie”...

That girl: The editors of “Mondo Barbie” describe their irreverent anthology of fiction and poetry dealing with the improbably shaped blonde as “the answer to . . . all that misplaced Barbie Angst , all that childhood conditioning, torture and repression.”

All in 185 pink pages, none of them, needless to say, authorized by El Segundo-based Mattel.

This is not the blankly smiling Barbie of store shelves. The works carry such titles as “Hells Angel Barbie,” “Barbie Meets the Scariest Fatso Yet,” “Barbie Comes Out” and “The Barbie Murders.”

In one story, Barbie complains of Ken: “Have you ever noticed, he has molded plastic hair. His head and his hair are all one piece. I can’t go out with a guy like that.”

Then there’s Richard Grayson’s “Twelve-Step Barbie,” which presents an older Barbie, an Alcoholics Anonymous member living alone, resentful of the younger women in workout classes, irritated that the loan officer at the bank doesn’t recognize her (she has an asbestos removal business). She finds some satisfaction in giving volunteer health education lectures to teen-agers.

Author Grayson’s Ken has changed, too--”after he disappeared from Barbie’s life . . . he became Gender Reassignment Ken and finally Kendra.” Upon getting back together, Barbie and Kendra discover “what they liked about each other, what they had missed the first time.” They become best girlfriends.

Things that go bump in the day: Regarding the photo of the mysterious “7 Humps” street sign in Westlake Village, Gene Mestel of Glendale phoned to talk about the curb-to-curb barriers, which are intended to slow down traffic.

“The difference between a speed bump and a speed hump,” he said, “is that a bump is 3 inches high and 12 inches long while a hump is 3 inches high and 12 feet long.”

Mestel, who learned this while trying to have speed humps installed in his neighborhood, says some cities are choosing humps over bumps because the latter appear more likely to result in damage to cars (and lawsuits). Pasadena, for instance, has humps. But, Mestel notes, the city’s signs call them “bumps.” Harrumph.

Today’s riddle: Now that we’ve solved the bumps/humps mystery (outside of Pasadena), Ken Saltzman asks that we decipher this sign, which he sighted at a Robinson-May department store on the Westside:

For Your Safety

Elevators

Are Located

Next to Our Cosmetics Dept.

In case a shopper is overwhelmed by La Liz’s Passion?

Nicest thing anyone’s said about L.A. in years: In a Manhattan hotel, TV diet guru Richard Simmons was chatting with another guest on the elevator. When they disembarked, Simmons said: “I’ll bet you’re from L.A.”

“How did you know?” asked the other, who was, in fact, a Los Angeles Times reporter.

“Because you’re wearing tennis shoes and you walk slow.”

miscelLAny:

Dodger Hall of Famer Don Drysdale and actor Robert Redford (“The Natural,” etc.) were teammates on Van Nuys High’s baseball team in the early 1950s.