It Was More Pfund in Sun for Them

This isn’t Showtime.

This is Tales From the Crypt.

A really, really funny thing happened on the way to the Forum.

Guess who ain’t dead?

Here are your clues:

They’re young. They’re old.

They’re purple. They’re gold.

They have fun. They have Pfund.

They have the Suns. Two to none.

Look, I know the opera isn’t over until Charles Barkley sings. But who cares? Let’s rock the Inglewood house anyway, because even if those big lovable lugs the Lakers never score another point, this has made their whole season a party.

What a bummer this year is becoming for royalty--first Prince Charles, now Sir Charles.

In a playoff series that much of the country must be finding hysterically funny, the Lakers have just gone two for two against the Best Team In Basketball on the BTIB’s home court.

The Lakers?

You can’t mean the Magic-free, Kareem-free, Perkins-free, Worthy-is-washed-up, Byron’s-on-his-last-legs, Sedale’s-no-point-guard, Peeler’s-injured, Campbell’s-inconsistent, Cooper’s-too- young, Vlade-and-A.C.-are-too- busy-making-hamburger-commercials, Pfund’s-a-lame-duck, even-Nicholson’s-sick-of-them Los Angeles Lakers?

Oh, yeah. Those Lakers.

They have the Suns on the run.

If they win this series, it is going be the most shocking outcome for the people of Los Angeles since the original Rodney King trial.

I’m not saying they will.

No way I am X’ing off Phoenix, because anybody who makes the mistake of underestimating Charles Barkley is a fool-and-a-half.

So, don’t let the Suns catch you laughing.

But I don’t think the state of Arizona has ever sweated this much.

And bring an umbrella to Game 3, because the old Barkster must be spittin’ mad.

The only thing more interesting than seeing how Barkley takes out his anger on the Lakers might be seeing how Barkley takes out his anger on the Suns.

Mama, I would hate to be a Sun on the night that team got eliminated by the Lakers. The nice folks at Great Western Bank will be dipping into reserve capital for months simply to repair the damage to the Forum visiting locker room.

You’ve seen Sir Charles strolling arm-in-arm with Godzilla in that TV ad? Ha! You think Godzilla stomped those big lizard toenails of his all over Tokyo? Just wait until you see what Charles Barkley does to downtown Manchester Boulevard if he and the Suns take one more boot in the buns.

Attention, Mayor Bradley: Call up those “Rebuild L.A.” people and put them on emergency standby.

This could get ugly.

As for you Laker likers, have you ever seen anything more lovely than the way the guys handled themselves Friday and Sunday down there in Barkley’s big valley?

I don’t know about you, but I personally made the Lakers 50-point favorites.

I figured they’d score around 50 points.

But did my eyes deceive me or were those the Ghosts of Lakers Past out there pressuring the ball, boxing out beneath the boards, bumping Barkley every chance, capitalizing on Kevin Johnson’s condition, being patient on offense, looking for the open man, Sedale passing to Byron and Byron passing to Sedale, all for one and one for all?

And how do you like those “substitution patterns,” baby?

Substitution patterns. Substitution patterns. If I heard it once, I heard it a hundred times that Randy Pfund was headed for a fall as coach of the Lakers because of his substitution patterns.

I hadn’t heard so much about substitution patterns since they had to sew new stars into Betsy Ross’ flag.

Now the only thing I’m sure of is that the Lakers do not need a substitute for Randy Pfund.

Stick around, Randy.

The fun might just be beginning.

We get ourselves a high draft pick--hmmmm, maybe not as high as we thought--and we weed out one man here, prune away one man there and rebuild L.A.’s favorite basketball team into a legitimate contender again?

Or is it already a contender? I never would have thought so. I thought the Lakers were as obsolete as Edsels.

But here they are, still rocking and rolling after all these years. They ambushed Portland a couple of seasons ago when nobody was looking. Now here they are again, partying on.

If these really are the last days of the Laker empire--the last of Worthy, Scott and Green and the golden era--isn’t it great to see them go down fighting?

If, in fact, they ever go down.

Did I mention that this was really, really funny?