He Seeks Improbable Answers

Long after their latest game was over, Barry Melrose overheard a TV sportscaster refer to the Kings and their improbable quest to capture the Stanley Cup. From across the room, the coach called out: “Improbable? Who says we’re improbable?”

Probably everybody.

But at least it was a straightforward question, and I have a few myself as we move into Game 4 of this totally cool little King Thing that is happening over in Inglewood. It’s the talk of the town, so I’ll put in my two cents’ worth, which comes to about three cents Canadian.

Here are some questions that need answering at our next quorum at the Forum:

--Robitaille, Robitaille, wherefore art thou, Robitaille?

--What were the odds of Ken Baumgartner having more goals in this series than Wayne Gretzky, Luc Robitaille, Jimmy Carson, Dave Andreychuk, Nikolai Borschevsky and Wendel Clark combined?

--Does Doug Gilmour ever have a nice, peaceful night during which nothing happens to him?

--Were Gilmour and Gretzky absent the day they passed out uniform numbers under 1 through 35?

--Is it true John Starks of the New York Knicks taught Gilmour everything he knows about how to play heads-up hockey?

--Can’t we all get along?

--Do we need to be concerned about Barry Melrose pulling a Mike Dunleavy and leaving his Los Angeles job to return to his old organization now that Detroit reportedly is coach-hunting?

--Whose hair gets more publicity--Barry’s or Hillary’s?

--Am I the only one who thinks the best player in this series so far has been Alexei Zhitnik?

--Am I the only one who says “Gesundheit” every time Bob Miller says “Alexei Zhitnik”?

--May I be the first to suggest a Forum fan club called the Zhitniks?

--Is it true that Montreal is now calling its arena the Great Northeastern Forum?

--Do some Canadians think California’s rinks are frozen Evian?

--Why did it take so many of us so long to appreciate how valuable a player Pat Conacher really is?

--Would someone please explain to some of these sensitive King fans with reading disorders that I like Marty McSorley and the way he plays hockey?

--I don’t care how many goals the Kings score short-handed, don’t you know by now that a team that spends too much time skating short-handed is going to skate away empty-handed?

--So what ever happened to the Kings’ “lucky butt” promotion?

--OK, I give up: Why aren’t they the Maple Leaves?

--How come nobody realized that all we needed to do to feed America’s hungry was to keep Toronto Coach Pat Burns supplied with Dunkin’ Donuts?

--And how come some of the rats making fat cracks about Pat are fatter than Pat?

--Couldn’t Dave McLlwain lend Wendel Clark his extra L?

--If the Kings win, will Bruce McNall give them back their airplane?

--Which celebrities should we be expecting now that hockey’s going Hollywood? Ice-T? Wolfgang Puck? Debra Winger? Ice Cube? Slash? Slappy White? Goalie Hawn? Check Hearn?

--Is it true that Dave Taylor has been around so long, his idea of a Forum celebrity was Nero?

--Isn’t it true that Taylor personally knew Smythe, Campbell, Adams and Patrick?

--Wouldn’t the Raiders or Rams have a better shot at a Super Bowl if they had more players who could hit like Rob Blake?

--Since you can only protect one goaltender before the expansion draft, how does Robb Stauber feel about a potential future as a Mighty Duck?

--And will his mask have a bill?

--And shouldn’t the Ducks take to Tim Watters?

--If Toronto loses this series, couldn’t Wayne Gretzky arrange to have Mike Krushelnyski traded back to the Kings for the finals?

--How much blank wall space must a team be desperate to fill when the Kings hang an entire banner commemorating the fact that they survived two Smythe Division playoff series?

--Is this the Forum equivalent of motel-room art or what?

--Am I the only one who thinks Kelly Hrudey looks like Corey Feldman?

--Am I the only one who thinks the Lady Byng sounds like an electric shaver?

--Is Don Cherry a hockey institution or does he merely belong in one?

--How grateful is Toronto that so far we have held Canada’s flag rightside-up?