Montrealers Fail to See Silver Lining

T oday’s unconventional wisdom . . .

The Stanley Cup finals: Once again, it will be the Habs and the Hab-Nots. This is a surprise, right? This is an upset? (Sit down, Mario. The question is rhetorical.) In this, the 100th anniversary of the Stanley Cup, Montreal will be making its 33rd appearance in the championship round, bidding for Coupe 23 . Impressive, no? No, not if you’re asking the monocled denizens of the Montreal Forum, who will study their fingernails and huffily inform you that Les Habitants have failed to reach their appointed round since 1989 and, worse, haven’t restored the Grail to its rightful place since 1986. Woe, Canada.

Habs-Leafs: What’s good for Canada must be good for hockey, right? The very thought of a Montreal-Toronto final has the provinces convulsing and genuflecting--”We can’t wait,” exclaims Canadien forward Gilbert Dionne, ignoring family ties to Los Angeles, where brother Marcel has a purple-and-gold jersey hanging. It hasn’t happened since 1967 and Canadians swear that, as an event of national significance, it would outstrip Dodgers-Yankees or Lakers-Celtics or anything else we Southerners could possibly muster. Maybe they’re right. But, you know that in his heart of hearts, Gary (Sell American) Bettman is rooting for . . .

Habs-Kings: What would play better on ESPN, in living rooms in Des Moines? Wayne Gretzky crashing the net on Patrick Roy? Or Nikolai Borschevsky?

Jimmy Carson: Think Barry Melrose would have scratched Paul Coffey in the fifth game of the Stanley Cup semifinals?

Al Arbour: Now that his Islanders have cleared the way for Montreal--beat Pittsburgh, didn’t put up too nasty a fight after that--he is said to be considering the Florida Panther job. Hey, Al’s 60, getting up there, and it is Florida. As Jerry Seinfeld says, “It’s the law.”

Florida Panthers: I still say they missed an open-netter on the nickname. “Miami Ice.” Too easy.

Mighty Ducks of Anaheim: But not Las Vegas, eh? “We won’t put our minor league team in Vegas because Disney doesn’t do gambling.” Remember that one? And how we all enjoyed a good laugh? Well, get this: Toon Town characters recently did a week-long gig at a Las Vegas mall and are scheduled to reappear at Cashman Field July 24 to work a Las Vegas Stars baseball game. Obviously, Disney has ventured into the land of heathens strictly for missionary purposes.

Barry Manilow: His June 19 concert will officially open Anaheim Arena, 3 1/2 months before the Ducks break the ice. Twenty-five years from now, that will explain the curse.

The Angels: Sorry, but Manilow was too young to play Anaheim Stadium in ’66. Our search continues.

Gary Gaetti: Will he be remembered as the last Angel free-agent blunder, or merely the worst? Now that Buck Rodgers has spoken, and spoken the truth, Gaetti’s days appear numbered. Not much difference between spending $3 million for .150 and spending $3 million for .000.

Kelly Gruber: Then again, Gaetti’s contract runs through ‘94, and the Angels say they won’t make a move until Gruber returns from the disabled list, so we’re probably wasting breath here.

Tony Perez: By anyone’s gauge, even Li’l Jimmy Bowden’s, 44 games is not nearly enough. Even Cookie Rojas got 154.

Davey Johnson: But there’s no such thing as an old boys’ network in major league baseball.

Dallas Green: Really, no such thing.

Lenny Wilkens: Basketball can recycle with the best of them, too. Where to next? The Hawks? The Clippers? When Wilkens sits down with Donald T., he can make a lot of friends by holding out for Anaheim Arena.

The NBA lottery: If it’s not broken, it must be rigged. (I say the Orlando Ping-Pong ball was filled with helium. Oliver Stone concurs.) But if it’s not rigged, and a 41-41 Orlando team legitimately winds up with No. 1 instead of Dallas, then something needs to be fixed. Solution: a lottery within the lottery. Put the names of the worst four teams in the hopper and draw those. They will draft 1 through 4. Then the next seven teams go in. They will draft 5 through 11. That way, the NBA still gets its tank insurance and the truly hapless still get a chance to recover, instead of creating an instant dynasty around the league’s newest superstar. The NBA may love Shaq, but the last thing it needs are more Sacramento King situations.

Dallas Mavericks, Minnesota Timberwolves, Washington Bullets: More Sacramento King situations.

Cal State Fullerton: The road to Omaha will begin in Austin, Tex., same place it began in 1990. The NCAA selection committee did Augie Garrido a favor; the Titans are seeded second behind a pitching-thin Texas team, grouped with Kentucky, Maine, McNeese State and a basketball school, USC. But it still doesn’t make up for 1991.

Charles Barkley: The MVP of professional basketball. And in one of these games with Seattle, I’m sure he’ll remind us why.