The DWP Food Files! (or Reasonable Facsimiles)

I was sitting at my desk, minding everyone else’s business the other day, when someone slipped an envelope over the transom.

Oh, who am I trying to kid?

Transoms went out with manual typewriters, ink stains and whiskey breath. This is a newspaper of the ‘90s. We don’t have whiskey, ink or transoms.

We have ergonomically correct environments.

But we still have desks.

And I was sitting at mine, as I said, when I saw a manila envelope come sliding under the door--that would be the faux wood door with the realistic oaklike grain. I’m being specific here so you’ll know I am not making this up.

I put down my nail polish (Well Red) and picked up the envelope. It was marked “Top Secret. Confidential DWP Catering Memos. Please blow the lid off this thing.”

Oh yeah, I thought. This would be the skinny on the fat catering bill ($800,000) run up by Department of Water and Power supervisors, who worked, and apparently ate, ‘round the clock during the recent strike. Too bad about the food poisoning, I thought, remembering that 50 managers were hit with the kind of symptoms guaranteed to make you persona non grata at your next staff meeting--or anywhere.

Anyhow, inside the envelope, smeared with grease, were some papers. Well, allow me to elaborate. The papers weren’t exactly smeared with grease . More like smeared with top-quality, first-cold-pressing, extra-virgin olive oil lightly scented with achiote chilis. Pretty classy grease. Pretty smelly also, to tell you the truth.

But the smell was nothing compared to the stink of what I was seeing with my own eyes, if you don’t mind my mangling a metaphor.

You talk about your public corruption. You talk about your pork-o-crats feeding at the public trough! Sooooo-ey, baby! I couldn’t believe my own nose.

TO: Beck and Call Catering Service

FROM: The Department of Water and Power

RE: Menu choices

In response to your inquiry about food preference, we have surveyed our top management about their tastes. There seems to be a great deal of interest in caviar, but we feel this might be excessive considering we have people out there on picket lines who will have a hard time feeding their families. However, if you think you could itemize it as either “eggs” or perhaps “fish,” we may be able to work something out. That is assuming, of course, you can guarantee that the blinis will be light and fluffy, yet textured enough not to be completely overpowered by the caviar. Also, would it be possible to use lite sour cream? Our lives will be stressful enough without having to worry about our cholesterol levels!

TO: Beck and Call

FROM: DWP

RE: Setting up kitchens

As we discussed earlier, you will need to set up kitchens in several locations, as DWP supervisors will be sequestered during the strike. We feel that black granite countertops would harmonize well with our offices, which, as you probably know from news reports in previous years (!), we have lavishly redecorated. In any case, the Tuscan marble would be an acceptable substitute. In the invoices, please call these items “stoves” and “refrigerators.” Thanks.

TO: Lizzie’s Confections & Catering

FROM: DWP

RE: Preliminary results of food sampling

Thank you for providing such a luscious array of delectable baked delights for our supervisors to sample in preparation for the upcoming strike! We wish our jobs were always so pleasant! That prune Danish was simply to die for--and we know that it will not only keep our troops regular (ha ha), but will also provide home-cooked comfort during what promises to be a pretty tough time.

TO: Beck and Call

FROM: DWP

RE: Appearances

As you know, we are trying to keep up the appearance of frugality and sacrifice during the strike. We understand that on Labor Day, the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers, Local 18, managed to serve 4,000 of its members at a picnic for only $2,000. (The way the working class can stretch a dollar! You really have to admire them.) Anyway, last night’s steak was terrific (and the baby carrots were superb!), but we are concerned that the City Council might balk when they see the invoice. From now, could you please designate filet mignon as hamburger , and New York strips as hot dogs ? On a less pleasant note, we have noticed a certain green tinge to the faces of some of our supervisors at the Boylston distribution yard. Could the food be too rich?

TO: Marriott Services Corp.

FROM: DWP

RE: Post-strike food giveaway

Since the strike was settled yesterday and bitterness remains, we would like to mend fences with our workers by giving them free food today. We have budgeted $75,000. Can you make sure that they receive exactly the same food that was served the other day at the Boylston plant? Thanks for everything. We will be pushing your invoices through ASAP and anticipate no delays.