Countdown to Football Thursday

T oday’s unconventional wisdom . . .

Rams-Falcons: The TNT (Turn-on-N-Turn-off) Thursday night extravaganza. What were the corporate heads thinking when they decided to book the bottom shelf of the NFC West--combined record since opening day ‘92: 14-28--into their first Thursday showcase of ‘93? “Aw, let’s throw ‘em a bone. With the Braves in the playoffs, nobody will be watching, anyway.” Potential promo lines being tossed around the board room right now: 1. “You don’t want to miss Jerry Glanville’s last game as an NFL head coach!” 2. “Eric Dickerson tees off against his old team one more time . . . wait, what was that Packer trade again?” 3. “We’ll kill three hours before ‘The Simpsons’!” 4. “Go Phillies!”

Falcons by 1 1/2: Twenty-one games in, Chuck Knox’s rebuilding program gets a progress report.

Buddy Ryan: Then again, the Rams could have done a lot worse.

Cleveland: Why’d the Rams ever leave? They own the AFC Central; they’ve beaten Pittsburgh and Houston by an aggregate score of 45-13.

The run-and-shoot: The junk bond of professional football--seemed like a good idea in the late 1980s. Now, the last two practitioners of the form, the Falcons and the Oilers, are a combined 1-9, averaging less than 18 points a game. All that’s left is the official burial. Glanville’s already dressed for it.

Disney On Ice: Here’s one for the Anaheim Arena scoreboard “Hockey Trivia” quiz. Q: “How many Mighty Ducks will earn more in salary this season than the $450,000-plus Disney spent on its opening-night pregame show?” A: “One. Defenseman Alexei Kasatonov--$650,000.”

Disney On Ice II: Several members of the Angel front office were on hand to witness the fireworks, smoke and bright flashes, and were said to be impressed. So much so that the Angels are planning a similar blowout for their opener in 1994. Vince Coleman will stand on the pitcher’s mound and lob hand grenades into the stands.

“Rock The Pond”: Some of the between-action musical choices at Anaheim Arena display an ear for what’s good and trendy--Gin Blossoms, Nirvana, Blind Melon--but this corporate-rock cringer, intended to be the Ducks’ inspirational anthem, has to go. Remember the Angels’ infamous team mantra of a few years back? “Back Playing Long Ball Again” (sample verse: “These Angels are devils, my friend”). Well, that was a Dylan ballad compared to “Rock The Pond,” which, as frightening as it sounds, is Disney’s idea of cutting-edge hard rock--guaranteed to send fans sprinting for the exits long before 7-2 Duck routs do. I can hardly wait for the new Disneyland attraction, Grungeland, featuring Alice In Chains In Wonderland.

Name-The-Mighty-Duck-Mascot: More than a few have already weighed in with “Tinker Duck.” Not bad, although immediately after the hockey team’s opening-night inaction, I was leaning toward “Howard The Duck.” My new favorite, however, is “Overkill,” which seems to best summarize the Disney hockey experience. Then, before future home games, I would suspend “Overkill” on his (her?) guide wire eight or nine feet above the ice, arm two dozen kids with hockey sticks and have a rollicking old-time pinata swat. Lucky swatters would be selected from a random drawing of ticket stubs. Good, clean fun for the entire family.

Subtle: “(sut-l), a . Sly in design . . . artful . . . cunningly devised . . . acute or penetrating in intellect . . . delicate . . . crafty . . . discerning.” For those who say the Disney marketeers don’t know the meaning of the word, there it is.

Florida Panthers: Currently three points up on the Ducks in the expansion standings, several million behind in the merchandise rankings. However, the marketing strategy that helped bring 27,000 out to their victory over cross-state rival Tampa Bay was, by comparison, almost refreshing, with Lightning and Panther officials trading mock insults (“the Florida Pussycats”) and winks to hype the event. If not old-time hockey, it was old-time professional wrestling--or new-time professional boxing.

Alexandre Daigle: The Ottawa Senators rookie star poses in a nurse’s dress for a hockey card ad. Charles Barkley does drag on “Saturday Night Live.” Larry Johnson creates a cottage industry as a hoop-bending Grandmama. The sport of the ‘90s is “The Crying Game.”

Bo Jackson: Hit or myth? The six strikeouts in his first 10 postseason at-bats were hardly an aberration. During the regular season, Bo struck out a whopping 106 times in 284 at-bats. That’s nearly 40%--on pace with most National League pitchers. Nike, however, counters that it’s tough to build a multimillion-dollar ad campaign around a sacrifice bunt.

Atlanta Braves: They say they don’t want to be known as the Buffalo Bills of major league baseball. One more loss to Philadelphia and they’re safe for this year.

Michael Jordan: Retirement or sabbatical? At this point, I see two options. One, he tests the professional golf tour, becomes the Chuck Nevitt of the sport and returns to the game he knows best within two years, once the Bulls get bounced in the first round of the playoffs and the city of Chicago bows prostrate before him. Or, two, he joins Magic Johnson’s world tour, plays Johnny Appleseed to David Stern’s dream of European conquest, leads Barcelona over Charlotte in the 1995 Global Championship Series and is crowned Exalted Athletic Ruler of both hemispheres.

Dan Marino: His torn Achilles’ tendon leaves Jim Everett (85 consecutive starts) as the NFL’s reigning “iron man” among quarterbacks. (Think that one over for 30 seconds.) Sport magazine also rates Everett ahead of Marino in a bizarre ranking of pro quarterbacks, wondering what Everett might have done if he had played in the Dolphins’ pass-first offensive scheme. It’s not too late. The NFL trading deadline is still days away.