Coaches’ Tidbits Easier to Swallow at Lunchtime

Mike Bokosky was explaining how basketball at Chapman University is different.

“The average profile of one of our players is a 3.0 grade-point average with a 1,000 score on the SAT,” Bokosky said. “We tell jokes at practice and our players actually get them.

“We get a lot of verbalizing. Our players are verbal. They can listen and hear--we don’t have to do a lot of drawing of X’s and O’s.

“We just tell ‘em and they can verbalize, visualize and go play. It’s a very refreshing level to coach at.”

Seth Greenberg was explaining how basketball at Long Beach State is different than basketball at Chapman University.

“We’re looking for guys who can dunk,” Greenberg said. “I’m not big on verbalization, personally.”

Rod Baker was explaining how basketball at UC Irvine is different than basketball at Long Beach State or Chapman University.

“I hate my team,” Baker said, his deadpan dead-on. “I watch these last two guys come up here and they’re bubbling over about their teams. Now just think about it: You go to one of their practices today or tomorrow and they’ll be killing ‘em. They’re ripping every guy on their team.

“But they will stand up here and tell you, ‘This guy’s great, that guy’s great, this guy’s got a three (-point shot).’

“That’s bull.”

Brad Holland was explaining how basketball at Cal State Fullerton is different than just about anywhere else.

“We’re redefining the word ‘rebuild,’ ” Holland said. “We’ve got 10 new players on our squad. To kind of put that in perspective, we have two players returning from last year’s team and that’s it. And those two players accounted for two points and two rebounds a game. Combined.”

This is what happens when you schedule lunch for a mass gathering of the Orange County Sports Assn., book four local college basketball coaches as part of the entertainment and then feed some electricity to the microphone.

Ham is served on china plates . . . and baloney is served from behind the podium.

Bokosky was bragging about the “well-rounded” players he has at Chapman, a private institution that is in the process of downscaling its basketball program to Division III, which means no more athletic scholarships, which means no Prime Time Players, which means a new-found emphasis on “well-rounded” players.

“When we’re on the bus,” Bokosky said, “our players don’t argue if they’re going to listen to rock music or punk rock or rap music. What they want to do is get to talk radio. And they buzzed in on a station out in the Valley, coming out of Fresno, that carried Rush Limbaugh. And our players thoroughly enjoyed it.”

Bokosky described his players as being “a lot like you are out there. They’re normal guys.”

To which Greenberg retorted, “I just found out my guys are abnormal.”

To which Baker retorted, “I go along with Seth. I’m glad our guys are not normal. They’re not very good, but they’re not normal. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t want my guys listening to Rush Limbaugh. . . . He’s not on any radio we turn on.”

To which Holland retorted, “I do listen to Rush. He’s, you know, not bad.”

Greenberg was talking about hairlines, a topic most near and dear to him, since Greenberg’s has been in recession for several decades now.

“I’ve known Rod Baker since I had hair on my head,” Greenberg said, “and now I see that Rod’s getting closer and closer to looking like me every day . . .

“Then there’s Brad Holland. Brad Holland is a guy who doesn’t age. The guy has no gray hair. He’s like the Jimmy Johnson of college basketball. Has anyone ever seen the guy without his hair in place?”

To which Baker retorted, “I have a legitimate problem with you people laughing about my hair in relation to (Greenberg’s). Honestly, it ain’t even close. I’ve known Seth 25 years and Seth’s hair was that long the day I met him and it hasn’t changed since.

“Seth was 13 then.”

To which Holland retorted, “Do I have a hair out of place? Tell me. Which one?”

Basketball arenas were a topic. Long Beach is building a new one, the long-awaited Pyramid, which in 1994 will replace the long-outdated Gold Mine (seating capacity: your basic abandoned mine shaft).

“The outside structure is up and we’re right on schedule,” Greenberg said. “We just got funding for seating, so that’s a real positive. We were going to have Bring Your Own Chair Night every night, but we got that straightened out.”

To which Holland retorted, “Long Beach has got the Pyramid going up, and Irvine has a nice facility, and we’ve got . . . Titan Gym. If you’ve never been to Titan Gym, we can play everything on that floor, including tiddlywinks, because it’s marked for it. We’ve got about 9,000 marks on our floor.

“We’ve been thinking about putting some walls around Titan Stadium. We’ve got a beautiful football stadium--we just don’t have a football team.

“Now if we can figure out a way to lay some wood on the grass and play some games there.”

Rosters were a topic. Greenberg really liked the one he had last season, the one that included Lucious Harris and Bryon Russell, both now playing in the NBA.

“I’m just happy I renegotiated my contract before those guys got drafted,” Greenberg said. “After they did get drafted, some school administrators came into my office and said, ‘You convinced us that you did a great coaching job last year. We think contrary.’ ”

To which Baker retorted, “How about Seth complaining about losing draft picks? My team? People are talking about us having a chance to be good this year because we have 10 guys returning. That’s true. But the guys we have returning won 13 games in the last two years. Where’s the excitement factor?”

To which Holland retorted, “We’re trying to figure out where our outside shooting will come from. Probably from the bench, if I can get my hands on it.”

And in less than three weeks’ time, the games start for real, which is almost a shame.

What would you rather do?

Burn dozens of perfectly fine winter evenings watching these teams scuffle around on the floor?

Or listen to their coaches talk about them behind their backs?

I know where I’d cast my vote, but the coaches will tell you: Comedy’s a tough gig. And that’s why they play the games. Got to find new material somewhere.