The Rich Get Richer: My Tips for Channel 4

It’s just disgusting how much jealousy there is in local news.

Now you take Los Angeles, where the current TV purveyor of avant-garde journalism--inheriting the mantle last worn by KCBS-TV Channel 2--is KNBC-TV Channel 4.

Its daringly innovative practices have again made TV news here exciting and meaningful. But does it get credit? Just a little bit of praise? Even a tiny salute? Not on your life. Instead, its envious, narrow-minded, unenlightened competitors and other critics do nothing but carp about Channel 4’s vacuous content, scary crime stories, cynical tabloid techniques and the relentless vamping of its top anchor, super journalist Paul Moyer.

Appalling.

Throughout history, visionaries have been ridiculed only to be later revered. Thus, it’s inevitable that Channel 4 also will eventually gain the wide respect and appreciation that it deserves.

However. . . .

Here, in keeping with what it’s presently doing, are a few suggestions for newscast segments that could accelerate the process.

To start, The Paul Moyer Package.

* “A Meeting of Minds: Mr. Moyer and Mr. Murrow.” Paul presents readings from the TV works of the man who most influenced his work, Edward R. Murrow.

* “Paul Moyer and Bill Moyers: Together Again.” Pulling no punches, these two war horses discuss the challenges that journalists face in the ‘90s, Bill focusing on ethics, Paul on makeup blues.

* “How I Get Dressed.” Here’s a chance for Paul to show off his reporting skills. Monday topic: “I Select My Underwear.” Tuesday topic: “I Put On My Socks.” Wednesday topic: “I Knot My Tie.” Thursday topic: “Oops, I Forgot My Shirt.” Friday topic: “Do My Colors Clash With Colleen?”

* “A Moyer Moment: What I’m Thinking About at This Instant.” Paul, more sharing than ever.

* “Why My Eyes Twinkle.” Paul’s exclusive personal expose.

* “My Impressions of My Impressions.” A thoughtful Paul emerges, taking a sensitive look at his own sensitivity.

* “Why I’m Me.” Paul, more candid than ever.

* “Esta Es Su Casa?” Paul goes undercover in East L.A. as Pablo.

* “Hey, We’re In This Together.” An anchorman’s reflections on society’s diversity. Five parts, culminating with Friday’s blockbuster personal statement: “Mrs. Moyerfire.”

*

Next, The Michael Jackson Package:

* “Private Parts: Michael Jackson’s Shorts.” Exclusive team coverage and photos of Michael’s underwear drawer.

* “Private Parts: Michael Jackson’s Shorts II.” Exclusive team coverage and photos of KABC radio talk-show host Michael Jackson’s underwear drawer.

* “Breaking News.” Shocking exclusive live team and chopper coverage of Angelenos who have no information or opinion about Michael Jackson or his whereabouts.

* “What We Have Learned.” A 15-minute daily detailed digest of all the rumors and innuendo that Channel 4 has learned about Michael Jackson exclusively from other newscasts and tabloid newspapers but has too much integrity to repeat more than several times.

*

Next, The Fear Package.

* “Beware: The Police May Want Your Genitals.”

* “Why You Should Be Terrified of Everyone You Know and Meet.”

* “Chapped Lips: They Can Kill.”

* “How to Use a Garrote in Self-Defense.”

* “Pets: They May Attack You as You Sleep.”

* “Brushing Your Teeth Can Cause Leprosy.”

*

Next, The Self-Serving Tie-In Package:

* “Jay Leno’s Chin.” Exclusive team analysis of Leno’s prominent chin by Channel 4’s entertainment reporter David Sheehan and resident physician, Dr. Bruce Hensel. Sheehan goes out on a limb and boldly gives Leno’s chin a rave review compared to David Letterman’s, and he lambastes Ted Koppel’s and Arsenio Hall’s chins as being beneath contempt.

It’s Hensel who gets the last word, though, noting that although Leno’s chin may be a curious phenomenon to some, without it there would be nothing to hold up the “Tonight Show” host’s mouth.

* “The Real Story.” You’ve seen the movies “Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter” and “The Jesse Owens Story,” now get the real facts and meet the real people behind “Sally Jessy Raphael,” exclusively on Channel 4.

* “The Real Story II.” You’ve seen “Tomb of the Living Dead,” “Tomboy and the Champ,” “Tom, Dick and Harry,” “Tom Horn,” “Tom Jones,” “Tommy,” “Tom Sawyer” and “tom thumb,” now go exclusively behind the scenes of “NBC Nightly News” with Channel 4 and meet the real Tom Brokaw.

* “The Real Story III.” You’ve seen “Mustang Country,” now get the exclusive real story behind the fabulous mustaches of “Today” critic Gene Shalit and Channel 4 chopper pilot, Bob Pettee.

* “Real Story IV.” You’ve seen “Remains of the Day,” now join us on Channel 4 and see “Remains of a Newscast.” Our newscast.