Bad Team Can Make Phoenix Look Good

Baltimore to Rams: Uh, thanks, but no thanks.

No city can want professional football this bad, can it?

Professional football this bad should be quarantined, not moved cross-country and allowed to infect the hearts and minds of a community that still loves the sport, the way Anaheim used to be, before the great crashes of ‘90, ‘91, ’92 and ’93.

Baltimore grew up on Alan Ameche on third and goal. Gino Marchetti in the quarterback’s face. John Mackey in the open field. Johnny Unitas deep to Raymond Berry.

It’s now supposed to settle for T.J. Rubley, down and out to the Gatorade cooler?

Right now, the Rams are so bad they make the Phoenix Cardinals look good. Great, in fact. The transformation inside Sun Devil Stadium Sunday afternoon was breath-taking.

The Cardinals went from 3-8 to 38-10.

Steve Beuerlein became Jim Hart for a day.

Ron Moore turned into Lenny Moore.

Gary Clark looked like Gary Clark again.

Joe Bugel, coaching on Terminal Island, smiled, even. His firing is supposed to be un fait accompli ; owner Bill Bidwill has said that Bugel has to finish 9-7 to keep his job, and it is hard to finish 9-7 when you start 4-8. But Chuck Knox did what he could to assist a fraternity brother in need, offering the use of his team--the Rams are here to help--and donating the second-largest margin of victory in the Joe Bugel era.

Afterward, Bugel was giddy, bubbling about the future. “We have four games to go,” he enthused. “Who knows?”

And now, the bad news:

None is against the Rams.

For those who believed the Rams hit rock bottom in last month’s 13-0 loss at home to Atlanta, dig deeper. Last Sunday, the Steve Young Telethon, was worse than that, and this Sunday was worse than last Sunday.

What’s wrong with the Rams? Everything. The quarterback shuffle is more confused than ever--now Jim Everett springs off the bench to relieve a floundering Rubley, and with this chance for redemption what does he do? He fumbles on his second play.

The defense now crumbles at the sight of journeyman quarterbacks and rookie running backs not named Garrison Hearst. Beuerlein, previous caddie to Jay Schroeder and Troy Aikman, amassed 250 yards on only 14 completions--nearly 18 yards per hookup. Moore, an anonymous fourth-round pick from an anonymous college (Pittsburg (Kan.) State, noted primarily in football circles for its lack of an ‘H’), goes off for 126 yards and the Cardinals’ first four-touchdown performance since 1977.

The slump has been contagious, spreading from the playing field to the sidelines to Knox and his coaches, who can’t call a third-down play to save themselves.

On third and two in the second quarter, with Jerome Bettis pounding the middle of the Phoenix line, Knox and offensive coordinator Ernie Zampese decide to throw the ball. Rubley hauls off and hits tight end Pat Carter in the numbers, but the ball caroms up and into the hands of cornerback Lorenzo Lynch. Interception at the Cardinal six-yard line.

Third quarter, same situation, third and two at the Ram 33. This time, Knox and Zampese opt to run. Bettis plows off right end and is stopped cold. One-yard gain, Rams are forced to punt.

Bettis wound up rushing for 115 yards, his second 100-yard effort in as many weeks, and wound up summarizing the afternoon as “one of the lowest points of the season.”

Bettis is a Notre Damer. He is used to losing one game per season, not one per week.

“That I haven’t,” he said. “This is a new experience for me. I really didn’t know what to expect when I came to this team, but I never expected this.”

Then there’s offensive tackle Irv Eatman, the other side of the coin. Eatman played for Kansas City in the pre-Montana years and for the New York Jets in the pre-Boomer years. “The Jets were 4-12 last year,” Eatman sadly reports. “And with Kansas City, we had a couple of four-win years.”

Someone did the math for Eatman. In his last two years, Eatman has played for teams with a cumulative record of 7-21.

“So, I’m a loser, is that what you’re telling me?” Eatman said, breaking into a grin. “I can see it now--’Tragedy Follows Eatman Around The League.’ So I should kill myself, huh?”

Eatman leaned over to tie his shoes and began muttering to himself.

“Seven and 21. Damn , that sounds bad. Damn ugly.”

When he straightened up, he tried to remember why he signed that free-agent contract with the Rams last off-season. Oh yeah. He lost to the Rams last year, 18-10, with the Jets. That was it, wasn’t it?

“The Rams looked like a pretty good football team to me,” Eatman said. “They looked like a team that had a chance to do something. I still think that way. That’s why I don’t understand what’s happening now.”

Eatman sighed.

“I’ve played against damn near everybody in this league,” he said, “and I don’t think these teams are that much better than us. If you would have told me the Cardinals, 4-8, were capable of beating us like this, I would have called you a liar. I still don’t believe it.”

But the numbers are there and the Rams are 3-9, four-touchdown losers to the worst team in the NFC East.

Can it get any lower?

“Till we win, every week is the lowest point,” Eatman said. “It just gets lower and lower.”

Meanwhile, Baltimore should be looking into the availability of the Patriots any day now. The Patriots have a 1-11 record, but they also have Bill Parcells and Drew Bledsoe. Much bigger upside.