NFL PLAYOFFS / XXVIII Looks Just Like XXVII : Armchair Quarterback’s Plan to Survive Super Bowl

Your guide to next Sunday’s Super Bowl in Atlanta (or, They Played 224 Regular-Season Games and Three Playoff Rounds For This?):

KICKOFF

Approximately 3 o’clock in the afternoon, Pacific Standard Time, to be followed by:

First Buffalo turnover--3:06 p.m.

First Dallas touchdown--3:09 p.m.

Second Dallas touchdown--3:17 p.m.

Third Dallas touchdown--3:26 p.m.

First Appearance By Bernie Kosar In A Super Bowl With 28-Point Lead In Hand--4:48 p.m.

Second Super Bowl Sideline Ice Water Dousing For Jimmy Johnson--6:06 p.m.

Presentation of Vince Lombardi Trophy/Fancy Sparkling Bookend to Jerry Jones--6:26 p.m.

THE EARLY LINE

We can only go by what we know, which is what happened the last time the Cowboys and the Bills were invited to the same Super Bowl.

Dallas by 35.

HALFTIME ENTERTAINMENT

Mike Ditka and Joe Gibbs try to explain how the Bills, with just a few minor strategic alterations, can come back from a 42-3 deficit.

LINEUPS

Tentative, subject to change:

KTLA (Channel 5)--”21 Jump Street” at 3 p.m., followed by probably a highly entertaining second-run movie.

Fox (Channel 11)--”Mr. Belvedere” at 3, followed by “Family Ties” at 4, followed by “I Love Lucy” at 5.

CNN--”The World Today” at 3, followed by “This Week In The NBA” at 3:30, followed by “Pinnacle” at 4, followed by “Sports Sunday” at 4:30, followed by “PrimeNews” at 5.

For other enjoyable programming next Sunday on CBS, ABC and ESPN, please consult your local listings.

COACHES

Buffalo--Marv Levy, a nice man who must have done some tremendously awful things in a previous life.

Dallas--Jimmy Johnson, who boldly predicted his Cowboys would whip San Francisco’s butt, did just that and has nothing to say about Buffalo because, well, Marv Levy is a nice man.

QUARTERBACKS

Buffalo--Jim Kelly. Like Joe Namath, he predicted the outcome of a Super Bowl when he spotted a TV camera near the end of Sunday’s AFC title game, held up four fingers and shouted, “We’re b-a-a-a-a-ck!”

Dallas--Troy Aikman. Unlike Kelly, he is undefeated in Super Bowls, which is why he gets invited to throw footballs into open taxi cab windows on Letterman and can now wallpaper his house with $100 bills.

RUNNING BACKS

Buffalo--Thurman Thomas. Forgot to hang onto his helmet in Super Bowl XXVI. Forgot to hang onto the football in Super Bowl XXVIII. Would probably do himself a favor by forgetting to show up for Super Bowl XXVIII.

Dallas--Emmitt Smith. Scored two touchdowns in Sunday’s NFC title game with a separated right shoulder, which means he’ll probably have to hold the Super Bowl MVP trophy with his left arm.

WIDE RECEIVERS

Buffalo--Don Beebe. In last year’s Super Bowl, he caught two passes for 50 yards and Dallas defensive tackle Leon Lett on the two-yard line, forcing a fumble that prevented the Cowboys from scoring an eighth touchdown, the highlight for the Bills in last year’s Super Bowl.

Dallas--Michael Irvin. Now starring in a TV commercial with (Downtown) Julie Brown, where he gets to show off his big car and his big house. After Sunday, he can film another, in which he gets to show off his bigger car and his bigger house.

DEFENSIVE STARS

Buffalo--Bruce Smith, currently appearing in two TV commercials in which he gets Cliff from “Cheers” to put on a dress and Dennis Hopper to smell his shoes--without uttering a single word. Is also appearing in his fourth consecutive Super Bowl. Hopper can tell you what happened in the first three. “Bad things, man.”

Dallas--Leon Lett, who became a media recluse after mistaking a blocked field goal for a live ball, touching it and turning it into a live ball and setting up Miami for a game-winning field goal on Thanksgiving Day. Much ado about nothing, as it develops, as Miami can tell you.

HOW THEY GOT HERE

Buffalo--Miami didn’t win another game after Thanksgiving. Pittsburgh lost Barry Foster before the playoffs. Denver traveled to L.A. for a wild-card game, forgot to pack its defense. Buddy Ryan, hired by Houston after the Oilers went winless in last year’s playoffs, went winless in this year’s playoffs. The Raiders came to Rich Stadium and froze. Kansas City came to Rich Stadium and Joe Montana bumped his head.

Dallas--Signed Aikman and Smith to lucrative long-term contracts in midseason.

HISTORICAL IMPLICATIONS

1. Before Buffalo, no team had appeared in four consecutive Super Bowls.

2. Before Buffalo, no team had lost four consecutive Super Bowls.

3. Before Buffalo, no team had lost three consecutive Super Bowls.

4. No team that has ever lost a Super Bowl by 35 points has come back the next year to win it.

5. No team has ever lost back-to-back Super Bowls to the same opponent.

6. No team has ever lost to Buffalo in a Super Bowl.

7. On the bright side, the Bills have some sympathizers. The Lakers went 0-8 against Boston in the NBA finals before finally winning in 1985. The Brooklyn Dodgers went 0-5 against the New York Yankees in the World Series before finally winning in 1955. The Boston Bruins have never beaten Montreal in the Stanley Cup finals, going 0-6. And the Washington Generals lost, literally, thousands of games to the Harlem Globetrotters.

PREDICTIONS

1. Dallas, 52-17.

2. Dallas, 63-7 (incomplete). Levy pulls his team from the field with 13 minutes left.

3. Bad things, man.