Angels ’94 : First to Worst: Braves Are the Best, and They’re Bad in Big Apple

Realignment might be able to turn the Cleveland Indians into contenders and the San Diego Padres into a fourth-place team, but it can’t obscure the simple truths of this baseball season, which are:

--With or without Ron Gant and Chipper Jones, the Braves are the finest team in the land.

--With or without Tom Bogar and Alan Zinter, the Mets are the worst.

--With or without Joe Magrane and John Dopson, baseballs in Anaheim are silently weeping.

With or without further ado, The Real Life Major League Top 25 (Plus The Usual Stragglers) for 1994 . . .

1. Atlanta. And we’re going to keep saying it until they get it right.

2. Chicago White Sox. They have the best player, third baseman and starting rotation in the American League (Frank Thomas, Robin Ventura and McDowell-Fernandez-Alvarez-Bere, for those scoring at home). They have the best catcher, relief pitcher and designated hitter in the AL Central (Those names again: Ron Karkovice, Roberto Hernandez, Julio Franco). They still have Ozzie Guillen, Tim Raines and Lance Johnson. I suspect they will be able to survive a spring-training tryout by Michael Jordan.

3. San Francisco. One more reason Why Barry Bonds Isn’t Willie Mays (GQ took care of the first 71): Both Willie and Barry are known for their pet phrases. Willie’s was “Say Hey.” Barry’s is “Say Get The &!* Out Of My Way.”

4. Baltimore. Need a first baseman? Let’s buy Rafael Palmeiro. Need a third baseman? Let’s buy Chris Sabo. Need a starting pitcher? Let’s buy Sid Fernandez. Need a closer? Let’s buy Lee Smith. Need a football team? Let’s throw the rest of our money at the Rams. Reminds me of Anaheim, circa 1978. The good old days.

5. Toronto. Trois -peat? No problem, assuming Joe Carter recovers from a broken thumb, Roberto Alomar recovers from a broken leg, Duane Ward overcomes biceps tendinitis, rookie Alex Gonzalez makes them forget Tony Fernandez at short, rookie Rob Butler makes them forget Rickey Henderson in left, John Olreud hits .363 again and Paul Molitor has another 211-hit season at age 37.

6. New York Yankees. Their No. 2 starter, Jim Abbott, is an ex-Angel. Their new leadoff hitter, Luis Polonia, is an ex-Angel. This could be their year.

7. Philadelphia. It was Mitch Williams’ fault; he threw the pitch. It was Jim Fregosi’s fault; he sent Williams in there. It was Terry Mulholland’s fault; he failed to pitch a complete game. It was Lee Thomas’ fault; he failed to trade for Bryan Harvey. Just one question for the Philly fans: Might Joe Carter (10 seasons, 275 home runs, 994 RBIs) have had something to do with it? Nah, didn’t think so.

8. Houston. Servais, Taubensee and Eusebio are what? The checking line for the Toronto Maple Leafs? Red wines from the Bordeaux region? Correct answer: They are catchers for the Houston Astros. So is a 27-year old rookie named Scooter Tucker. What’s he doing in there?

9. Montreal. So the Expos lose Dennis Martinez, replace him with Pedro Martinez and insist--swear, even--that they’ve improved their team. Must be a French-Canadian thing. We wouldn’t understand.

10. Kansas City. The people of Kansas City demand improvements in their sports teams, a commitment to excellence. So the Chiefs go out and trade for Joe Montana--and the Royals go out and trade for Vince Coleman. Meanwhile, the lords of baseball continue to wonder why the fans are staying home.

11. Seattle. Still have Ken Griffey Jr., still need Bryan Harvey Sr.

12. Texas. No Rafael Palmeiro, no Julio Franco, no Nolan Ryan--and still, the Rangers are consensus favorites to win the AL West. Why? No White Sox, no Royals, no Twins.

13. Dodgers. Chan Ho Park, the new pitching sensation, speaks only a few words of English. Tommy Lasorda, the old fertilizer salesman, speaks only a few words of Korean. Everything will be fine, so long as the Dodgers keep it that way.

14. St. Louis. Also opening this season without Joe Magrane in the starting rotation.

15. Cleveland. Eddie Murray signed to play for the major league Indians, not the “Major League II” Indians, because “Major League II” is not a silent movie.

16. Boston. Down south, Mo Vaughn is a question, kind of like “Will Clark?” So, ask yourself this: What do the Red Sox need most in ‘94? Mo Vaughn? No. Mo Clemens.

17. Chicago Cubs. Next spring, the Cubs fight back and grant their own tryout to another Chicago sporting legend. “Batting fifth for the Cubs . . . and playing shortstop . . . No. 72 . . . Refrigerator Perry!”

18. Cincinnati. Chris Sabo goes to Baltimore, Bip Roberts goes to San Diego, Dan Wilson goes to Seattle, but Marge Schott stays. Last place, if there’s any justice.

19. Detroit. The Tigers used to be the only team in town that won and lost games by scores of 8-7 and 16-8. But now, the Lions have the two-point conversion.

20. Pittsburgh. Counting on ex-Braves Brian Hunter, Alejandro Pena and Al Martin to make major contributions. If you can’t beat ‘em, sign ‘em.

21. Oakland. A’s send Rickey Henderson to pennant-contending Blue Jays, Blue Jays send hot prospects Steve Karsay and Jose Herrera to A’s, Blue Jays win World Series, Henderson returns as free agent to A’s, who also get to keep Karsay and Herrera. Rent-A-Rickey, the franchise-building wave of the future.

22. Colorado. Howard Johnson, Ellis Burks and Dante Bichette in the outfield, Andres Galarraga and Charlie Hayes at the corners. You call this a second-year expansion team? Armando Reynoso, David Nied, Greg Harris, Steve Reed and Ken Bottenfield in the starting rotation. You call this a second-year expansion team.

23. Angels. The starting rotation will be Langston, Finley, Leftwich and . . . and . . . are you sure T-ball is completely out of the question?

24. Minnesota. Kent Hrbek was a fun-loving, hard-living, hell-raising rogue back when the Twins were winning World Series. Now he’s just fat.

25. Florida. Florida’s basketball team is in the Final 4. Florida’s hockey team is headed for the Stanley Cup playoffs. Florida State won the college football championship. Can’t have everything.

26. Milwaukee. Once, major league baseball and the Brewers were fun to watch. Today, Bud Selig runs them both.

27. San Diego. Bip Roberts decided to come back, for reasons modern science has yet to discern, but if Phil Plantier keeps up this home run business any longer, he’ll be in Toronto by June.

28. New York Mets. It took the Mets 32 years to get this bad again. Only last time, they were funny.