NFL DRAFT : Not a Day for Draft Dodgers

I was going to watch Sunday’s NFL draft on television in Anaheim, but then the Rams traded it for a TV to be watched later.

The Rams kept dropping down and dropping down until I’m pretty sure their first pick in the draft was the last pick in the draft. I haven’t seen any team drop so fast since UCLA in the basketball polls. Chuck Knox probably went home and traded Sunday night’s dinner to his next-door neighbor for Monday’s breakfast.

Passing up a passer such as Trent Dilfer was an odd thing to do. Don’t they know how those Fresno State boys play when they come to the home of the Freedom Bowl? I thought Dilfer would do good things as a Ram quarterback, and never once flip over Jim Rome’s desk.

Well, what can I say? It was another weird day, draft day. For example, Willie McGinest from USC went fourth in the entire draft. To me this is so strange, it belongs in the McGinest book of records. I’m sorry, but if Willie McGinest had a great career at USC, I missed it. He wasn’t half the player Junior Seau was.

First pick in the draft was a big ol’ Buckeye buckaroo out of Ohio State named Dan Wilkinson, better known to his friends as “Big Daddy.” He was picked by the Cincinnati Bengals coach, David Shula, who knows something about having a big daddy.

The second and fifth picks in the draft were made by the Indianapolis Colts, who you can also expect to make top-five picks in 1995, 1996 and each draft through 2000. I believe that the Colts will become a good professional team when they move back to Baltimore and join the Canadian Football League, where they belong.

Bill Tobin was outraged by similar sentiments expressed by ESPN draft “expert” Mel Kiper Jr., partly because Kiper, according to Tobin, “never put on a jock in his life.” Hmmm. Neither did pro football “expert” Robert Irsay, owner of the Colts, who signs Tobin’s checks. But, then, who are we to argue with someone such as Tobin who has turned Indianapolis into the NFL powerhouse it is today?

The Colts drafted Marshall Faulk, which means that’s the last we’ll ever hear of him. Marshall’s next TV appearance should be shortly after the Sydney Olympics. A football life spent at San Diego State and in Indianapolis, as a matter of fact, should ensure Marshall Faulk’s invisibility throughout eternity. Good luck, Marshall, and drop us a postcard in a couple of years to let us know how you’re doing.

A funny thing happened when Indianapolis made a trade with the Rams for the right to move up and draft Trev Alberts of Nebraska. Much snickering and sniping followed this move, much of it from Mel Kiper, who ran out to a Times Square sporting-goods outlet between rounds and bought a jockstrap, just to see how it feels. Trev Alberts? Why Trev Alberts? Are you sure they don’t mean Marv Albert?

Well, let me tell you something, draft watchers. What I know about football wouldn’t fit into Mel Kiper’s, uh, pocket. But I did see Nebraska play twice in person, once against UCLA and once against Florida State. And, my NFL friends, I am here to tell you that in each of these games, Trev Alberts was the best player on the field. He hit everybody but the guys who carried the chains.

The Washington Redskins got the quarterback of choice, Heath Shuler. I guess this means John Friesz won’t be going up against Troy Aikman head-to-head in that race to the next Super Bowl, eh? The entire District of Columbia had been looking forward to that Friesz-Aikman matchup.

Tampa Bay pilfered Dilfer. I suspect we will wince once or twice if he turns out to be the goods, but on the Rams’ behalf, let me say that you don’t need a super passer to hand off to Jerome Bettis 30 times a game. Then again, Dallas didn’t become a killer until it had the running back and the passer.

My prediction: Dilfer goes to the Pro Bowl two years from now. Tampa Bay goes 4-12 and 3-13, because that’s what Tampa Bay does best.

San Francisco got the best human being in the draft, Bryant Young of Notre Dame. I say this with confidence because Bryant and I went to the same high school.

Seattle took defensive lineman Sam Adams to play alongside Cortez Kennedy, in a continuing bid up there in Washington to construct an entire line named after presidents of the United States. They don’t only want to sack the quarterback up there. They want to veto him.

All in all, it was another fun Sunday on the tube. The NFL draft is my third-favorite thing on ESPN, after the monster truck races and the monster bodybuilding.

I particularly like the way ESPN puts its candid cameras inside those NFL “war rooms” without the benefit of a microphone, leading to such state-of-the-art observations as: “Sam Wyche just crumpled some paper and didn’t look happy.”

The only thing I missed this year was Jimmy Johnson inside the Dallas war room, pretending to consult Jerry Jones. Jerry: “OK, move your mouth like you’re asking me about Emmitt.” Jimmy: “Got it. Shake your head once for yes and twice for no.”

I really missed Jimmy this time. But as you know, the Fox TV network now has teamed up with Jimmy Johnson--or, as I like to think of them, the Fox and the Hair.