When It Comes to One-Liners, Pippen’s in a Class for Himself

Chicago Bulls call time! Score tied! One second to go! Phil Jackson brings his players together to set up one last play! Let’s listen in!

Jackson: “OK, quiet down.”

Scottie Pippen: “Don’t you tell me to quiet down.”

Jackson: “I mean everybody.”

Pippen: “Who are you to tell me to quiet down?”

Team Trainer: “OK, who needs water?”

Toni Kukoc: “I will take water.”

Pippen: “Man, this stinks.”

Trainer: “What stinks?”

Pippen: “You gave Kukoc water before you gave me water.”

Trainer: “Uh . . . so?”

Pippen: “So who’s the star around here?”

Kukoc: “I am sorry. You may drink from my water.”

Pippen: “Man, I don’t want your water. I want my water.”

Jackson: “Toni, Scottie, shut up!”

Pippen: “You say his name first.”

Jackson: “Scottie, Toni, shut up!”

Pippen: “Don’t you tell me to shut up.”

B.J. Armstrong: “Call a play, Coach.”

Pippen: “Way to kiss up, B.J.”

Jackson: “OK, the Knicks keep triple-teaming Pippen.”

Armstrong: “Yeah. It’s hard getting Scottie the ball.”

Pippen: “Oh, sure.”

Armstrong: “Oh, sure, what?”

Pippen: “Wasn’t hard getting Jordan the ball, was it?”

Armstrong: “Excuse me?”

Pippen: “Knicks could have quintuple-teamed Jordan, you’d get him the ball.”

Bill Cartwright: “You could get me the ball.”

Jackson: “Very funny, Bill.”

Armstrong: “How about we get Horace the ball?”

Jackson: “Horace, do you want the ball?”

Horace Grant: “Man, all I want is the money.”

Pippen: “You tell him, Ho.”

Grant: “I’m thinking Winter in Orlando!”

Pippen: “Go, Ho!”

Grant: “You don’t pay, I don’t play!”

Pippen: “Amen, brother.”

Kukoc: “Yes. Amen, brother.”

Pippen: “Oh, shut up, Koo-Koo.”

Kukoc: “Is no Koo-Koo. Is Ku-coach.”

Pippen: “Yeah, right. ‘Coach.’ ”

Jackson: “OK, listen up.”

Pippen: “Look, just get me the rock and get out of my way.”

Kukoc: “Excuse, please. What is ‘rock?’ ”

Pippen: “Oh, shut up, Koo-Koo.”

Jackson: “Look here at the diagram. This ‘X’ is Horace. And this ‘X’ is B.J. And this ‘X’ is Scottie.”

Pippen: “I don’t like being ‘X.’ Make me ‘O.’ ”

Jackson: “OK! You’re ‘O!’ ”

Pippen: “Because if it was Jordan, you’d make him ‘J.’ ”

Jackson: “Pippen’s the decoy. He takes three Knicks with him.”

Pippen: “Naturally.”

Jackson: “So we inbound to Kukoc.”

Pippen: “WHAT?!?!”

Jackson: “Got it?”

Armstrong: “OK, coach.”

Cartwright: “OK, coach.”

Grant: “All I want is my money.”

Kukoc: “Excuse, please. What is ‘inbound?’ ”

Pippen: “Take me out.”

Jackson: “What?”

Pippen: “Bench my butt.”

Jackson: “Why?”

Pippen: “You want to inbound to Toni. Well, then, you can just outbound Scottie.”

Jackson: “Fine.”

Pippen: “Fine what?”

Jackson: “Have a seat.”

Pippen: “Why let Koo-Koo take the shot?”

Jackson: “Because he makes the shots.”

John Paxson: “Hey, remember me? I make shots.”

Pippen: “You still on the team?”

Kukoc: “Coach, you must please let the Mr. Scottie Pippen be taking the shot.”

Jackson: “Shut up, Toni.”

Pippen: “Yeah, shut up, Phony.”

Grant: “Does Kukoc make more money than me?”

Pippen: “Damn sure does.”

Grant: “Thought so.”

Pippen: “Cops ever find a gun in Koo-Koo’s car, they’d probably reload it for him.”

Jackson: “You finished?”

Pippen: “They never even boo Koo-Koo around here!”

Armstrong: “Do they boo you?”

Pippen: “Yeah. They boo me.”

Cartwright: “Who boos you?”

Pippen: “That one guy up there, Row 99.”

Grant: “All I want is my money.”

Jackson: “Toni, pop the J.”

Kukoc: “I don’t understand.”

Jackson: “You shoot ball. You win game.”

Kukoc: “Yes! Thank you!”

Pippen: “Oh, brother.”

Kukoc: “Thank you, brother.”

Pippen: “That ain’t what I meant.”

Kukoc: “I am proud to be Chicago Bull. I am proud to be in America.”

Pippen: “Man, next year I’m playin’ baseball.”