THE NBA / MARK HEISLER : Here Is Proof That Nearly Anyone Can Coach Clippers

READY FOR A CHALLENGE?

Coach wanted. Proven winner who can overcome distractions such as unsigned stars. If you look like Pat Riley, are more stable than Larry Brown and can pull a sword out of a rock like King Arthur, my boss will make you rich. Contact E. Baylor, L.A. Sports Arena.

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Rounding up the usual suspects:

A year ago, the Clippers announced that they had asked permission to talk to Pat Riley and John Lucas, but they are spoken for. Let’s see who is available this time around. . . .

Wait a minute! How about me?

OK, the Clippers want someone a tad more handsome and famous, not to mention someone who has actually coached, but that’s standard for them. After leaking several big names who will turn them down, they will get around to those willing to work for them.

OK, I realize I know nothing about coaching.

I will hire an assistant for the X-and-O stuff. It’s been done before. Keep the players in line? No problem. The first time someone gives me that where’d-they-drag-you-in- from look, I’ll tell him, “I may not be here next year, but I can have you on waivers by this afternoon.”

I can handle the media.

All I have to say, no matter what happens, is: “Under the enlightened leadership of Donald T. Sterling and with the support of the world’s greatest fans, I expect a brighter tomorrow in our new arena, wherever it may be.”

Someone might ask: “Didn’t you used to cut Sterling up in the newspaper?”

If they do, I’ll answer: “That’s in the past and besides, it’s negative. I’m looking to the future.”

Players have been saying that to me my entire career. I simply want to be able to say it one time.

Here’s the best part: All I have to do is win 25 games, get fired and accept my payoff.

I can do that.

Bob Weiss got three years’ pay--$1.8 million. Riley might not make that much this season.

Check the record: The last five Clipper coaches vanished within two seasons. Weiss went 82 games. Larry Brown, the most successful coach in Clipper history, made the playoffs twice and lasted 117. It was 127 for Mike Shuler, 126 for Don Casey, 120 for Gene Shue.

Because it is customary to say something complimentary about the departing coach, I’d like to say Weiss was, indeed, a nice guy. As a coach, however, he was lame, even taking into account the front office had torn his team to shreds before he ever picked up a piece of chalk.

No matter what kind of a lazy, sloppy, disinterested number his players ran on him, Weiss never got upset.

Of course, Brown got upset about everything, and that didn’t work, either.

I’d like to say Weiss deserved better, but he’s on the beach with $600,000 in the bank and another $1.2 million coming. I would say he has been taken care of. No stock, bond or 401K could have done for him what Sterling did.

I’d like to say the front office has gotten its act together, but when Weiss left, the Clippers were at a bargaining impasse with their star, Dominique Wilkins, and were upset at his agent, Steve Kauffman.

When Weiss arrived, they were at an impasse with Danny Manning and were upset at his agent, Ron Grinker.

The question is whether there’s a star player, agent or coach alive Sterling can get along with.

Donald, it’s me!

OK, I know it won’t work out. That puts me ahead of all those other chumps who have come in here with their multiyear contracts and their big plans.

When Elgin Baylor calls me in after my season for The Talk, I will simply say thanks for the opportunity and give him the number of my Swiss bank account. I will tell everyone Sterling is a prince and mean it.

IT’S GETTING BIZARRE OUT THERE

Maybe it was the Age of Moi that produced this flood of unchecked ego.

One has only to watch a day’s worth of TV talk shows to figure out one is entitled to visit his complaints and neuroses on the wider society.

The NBA has no monopoly on this--didn’t the owner of the two-time defending Super Bowl champions recently force his coach out?--but, thank heaven, it has its share.

--Item: Bull star Scottie Pippen takes a powder.

Coach Phil Jackson blows the whistle on him, then turns around a day later and stonewalls the press, assuring reporters he understands their mission--”to make us look human and naked and vulnerable.”

Actually, our job is simpler than that: to report what happened.

In this case, we owe you a correspondent’s fee for unmasking Pippen when all your players were covering for him so adroitly and you had only to announce he had a sprained ankle or another migraine.

--Item: The Bulls’ Scott Williams skips a shootaround before Game 5.

Five days after the Pippen incident, still in the middle of a taut series against the New York Knicks, Williams decided his problems, which he had been hiding all season, took precedence over the team and, yes, took a powder.

Jackson claimed Williams overslept. However, the team bus left at 9:30, or 30 minutes after Williams told the hotel operator to hold his phone calls.

Williams, told by Jackson that he might not play a lot, reacted before the game. “I’m out of here,” Williams said. “This has nothing to do with today.”

Get it? He thinks he is the victim, as did Pippen and Jackson.

--Item: Jazz owner Larry Miller publicly screams at Coach Jerry Sloan to bench star Karl Malone, then tries to punch a Denver Nugget fan.

There must be more to Miller than the image he presents at games, where he acts as if the money he made selling cars has made him some sort of star.

Miller was, in fact, a hotshot softball pitcher, although it’s hard to tell from the 5-foot-10, 250-pound human-bowling-ball figure he cuts today. He has a history of baiting players--he jumped into Laker Elden Campbell’s face this season--but outdid himself in Game 5 of the Nugget series.

Malone had missed seven of eights shot by halftime when Miller strode to the Jazz bench and yelled at Sloan, according to Burke Jolley, who was sitting courtside: “Get Karl the . . . out of there!”

Acknowledged Sloan: “I think (Miller) was upset with Karl about his play.”

Said Malone: “Nothing surprises me in this business. When things are going good, they pat you on the back. When things are bad, they kick you in the butt.”

Returning to his seat, Miller found a Denver fan had sneaked into it. Spurning the usual ways of regaining it--asking him to leave or calling an usher--Miller started yelling, found himself in an argument, cocked his arm to throw a punch but was grabbed in the nick of time by his son, saving Dad a bunch of money and time in court.

Here’s hoping Miller trades Malone to Chicago for Pippen and Williams and everyone gets exactly what he deserves.

WHOLE LOT OF SHAKIN’ GOIN’ ON

If you couldn’t keep up with all the comings, goings and wooings, here is the updated list.

Lakers--Fired Randy Pfund, hired Magic Johnson, saw Johnson resign, hired Del Harris.

Clippers--Fired Weiss.

Portland Trail Blazers--Owner Paul Allen, the Microsoft maven, forced out general manager Geoff Petrie, fired coach Rick Adelman. They take the fall for a team that made two mistakes: (1) neglecting to win a title while it was young and (2) getting old.

San Antonio Spurs--Forced out team president Bob Coleman and GM Bob Bass. The new chairman of the board, Robert McDermott, is a retired Air Force general and would prefer to put Dennis Rodman on permanent KP, but can’t and had to take it out on someone.

Miami Heat--The Kevin Loughery watch continues. He will be back only if the team can’t find someone it likes.

Golden State Warriors--Don Nelson denied he had received any overtures or had a conflict with team President Dan Finnane. But Nelson is in the final year of his contract, so speculation will continue until the Warriors lock him up. So far, they haven’t begun working on it.

Boston Celtics--New owner Paul Gaston, who took over for his father, Don, and leads the Celtics into their last year in the old Garden and their first one in the new one, is expected to increase ticket prices but doesn’t have a clue what else to do. Coach Chris Ford asked for a contract extension and was turned down. Old Celtic hands want Red Auerbach to sort out the mess, but Red is a figurehead only. Besides, they can’t find him in the cloud of cigar smoke in his office.

Washington Bullets--Wes Unseld resigned.

Philadelphia 76ers--GM Jimmy Lynam resigned to replace Unseld.

New Jersey Nets--Chuck Daly reportedly can have Lynam’s job or become GM of the new Toronto franchise, but is expected to finish out the last year of his contract.

Houston Rockets--Still looking for a GM. Owner Les Alexander is said to be looking for someone who will work for $20,000 a year.

Sacramento Kings--Still looking for someone to replace Jerry Reynolds, longest-serving interim GM in the league.

Charlotte Hornets--Still trying to prop up Coach Allan Bristow. Owner George Shinn’s latest brainstorm was to hire Jack Ramsay as assistant coach/broadcaster. Ramsay turned him down.

Dallas Mavericks--Still trying to turn back the clock. Fired personnel director Rick Sund and coach Quinn Buckner, rehired Dick Motta, their original coach. Motta is expected to keep the job for two seasons while preparing assistant coach Brad Davis to take over, as Cotton Fitzsimmons once groomed Paul Westphal.

Of course, Fitzsimmons kept the job for five years, not two.

As soon as owner Donald Carter straightens everything out, he is expected to sell the team, and not a moment too soon.

FACES AND FIGURES

First shot of a long war: Owners and players scheduled a two-day bargaining session in Portland, adjourned in two hours. The owners asked to close the loopholes in the salary cap. The players claimed they were trying to put in a more restrictive NFL-type hard cap. . . . The order means nothing until today’s NBA draft lottery determines who chooses where, but here’s a rough list of the top 20 college players: (1) Glenn Robinson; (2) Grant Hill; (3) Jason Kidd; (4) Donyell Marshall; (5) Juwan Howard; (6) Eric Montross; (7) Eddie Jones; (8) Lamond Murray; (9) Yinka Dare; (10) Brian Grant; (11) Sharone Wright; (12) Jalen Rose; (13) Cliff Rozier; (14) Monty Williams; (15) Khalid Reaves; (16) Wesley Person; (17) Aaron McKie; (18) Dontonio Wingfield; (19) Eric Mobley; (20) Ed Piatkowski. . . . SuperSonic assistant Tim Grgurich, credited with saving Gary Payton’s career and keeping Payton and Coach George Karl from killing each other, turned down San Diego State. “Fortunately Greg is coming back,” a relieved SuperSonic official told the Tacoma News-Tribune. “We don’t know what would have happened between Gary and George.” . . . Commissioner David Stern, still trying to stop the fighting: “If you leave the bench, you will not return to it. You will go right to the locker room and you might not return next game.” . . . Comment: Anyone who saw Atlanta’s Adam Keefe plaster Indiana’s Byron Scott against the basket support with a non-flagrant foul in Thursday’s Game 6 knows it won’t be enough. They have to take intentional fouls out of it, too. . . . Nice call department: Hue Hollins’ Game 5 ticky-tacky whistle on Pippen after the ball had left Hubert Davis’ hand was a gift from heaven for the Knicks, who would have lost the game and faced elimination in Chicago otherwise. NBA referees prefer to let the players settle the games, which is preferable to leaning the other way and letting the officials decide.