LAUGH LINES : Jokes

What was the first clue that Congressman Dan Rostenkowski had decided not to plead guilty but instead would fight allegations of misconduct? Comic Argus Hamilton says it was when Rostenkowski’s lawyer dropped by the local Mercedes dealership and said: “Make that two.”

*

Videos of Johnny Carson’s favorite moments from “The Tonight Show” are now available for $15 each or $60 for the complete set. Comedy writer Bob Mills says the set includes one blank video that represents all those nights Johnny didn’t show up.

*

Keeping tabs on celebrity endorsements in the California governor’s race for Laugh Lines is comedy writer Tony Peyser: “So far, Mike Ovitz and Kevin Costner are backing Kathleen Brown; U2’s Bono and Jane Fonda are behind Tom Hayden; Arnold Schwarzenegger and Clint Eastwood are supporting Gov. Pete Wilson. And Steve Urkel of ‘Family Matters’ has endorsed Ron Unz.”

*

Wedded Bliss: Jay Leno, on Rush Limbaugh’s wedding to a former aerobics instructor: “I understand it is the third marriage for both of them. Boy, you can’t beat those good old-fashioned, rock-solid Republican family values.”

Leno, on the Limbaughs’ wedding night: “Actually, it was strange for the bride. I guess Rush kept calling out his own name.”

*

Overheard in the hall: Hear about the new Barbie divorcee doll?

She comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

*

The Gags Gang/Funny Stuff comedy newsletter says you know you’re in Beverly Hills when...

* Your children’s governess teaches them to play “Hide and Go Shop.”

* A surgeon will never give you a local anesthetic--only imported.

*

Reader Dina Kletter of L.A. says a sign of aging is when you bend down to pick something up and you think: “What else can I do while I’m down here?”

*

One day, while a lonely Adam was walking among the flowers in the Garden of Eden, he asked God for a companion. God said he would create Woman for him, that she would be beautiful and loving, prepare all his meals and clean up after him, obey Adam’s every command and never question them, never talk back to him or treat him badly.

Adam was joyous because it was everything he ever wanted. God told Adam, however, that such a companion would cost him an arm and a leg.

Caught off guard by this, Adam paused and thought for a minute. Finally, he replied:

“What can I get for a rib?”

--Clayton S. Fuller, Chula Vista

*

Reader Rosemary Dallman of Coronado recalls attending a college reunion marking graduation many semesters ago and her husband remarked:

“I don’t remember that there were that many blondes in my class.”