LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Court watch: Jay Leno, on Rep. Dan Rostenkowski’s indictment: “You know, those guys serve 19 terms in Congress. I can’t blame the guy for going wrong. You hang around a criminal element that long, sooner or later it’s going to affect you.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills: “Rostenkowski’s lawyer had to explain to him that ‘business as usual’ is not a valid defense.”

Comic Argus Hamilton: “Rostenkowski’s trial will involve former House Postmaster Robert Rota, who pleaded guilty to fraud charges two years ago. The Post Office had to move Rota’s picture from one side of the wall to the other.”

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A young boy asked his mother to tell him her age, height, weight and why she got divorced. She refused to answer any of the questions.

Later, a friend told the boy to look at his mother’s driver’s license because it had all of that information on it. So the boy went back to his house and sneaked his mom’s license from her purse.

Later, he told his mother: “You are 38 years old, 5-foot, 6-inches tall and weigh 118 pounds.”

“Well, smarty,” she asked, “why did I get a divorce?”

Her son replied: “Because you got an F in sex.”

--Bob Milby

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Quiptic: Dian Parkinson is really trying to hurt Bob Barker: “She’s asking for $8 million, and says she’s going to spend it all on fur coats.”

-- Mel Golob, Santa Clarita

Hear about the three varieties of financial investment bonds offered by the Administration?

The Stephanopolous Bond: It never matures.

The Gore Bond: It has no interest.

The Clinton Bond: It has no principle.

-- Gail Cunningham, Westlake Village

Misers are no fun to live with but they make wonderful ancestors.

-- David Will, La Canada

Astronomers are worried they won’t get a good look at Jupiter when a comet collides with the planet. They fear that lawyers might block the view.

--Bruce Bellingham, San Francisco

Barbra Streisand will eventually gross $12 million for six concerts at Anaheim Pond. That will make her the only performer in Southern California history to earn more per hit than Darryl Strawberry.

-- Paul Feldman

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Reader Jenel McGlothlin of Van Nuys says her nieces have always admired her jewelry:

“Last summer, Katie, then 8, began trying some on . I told her that someday she and her sister would get my jewelry.

“Excitedly, she asked, ‘Really? When?’

“I replied, ‘When I die.’

She stopped, contemplated for a few moments and then asked: ‘How old are you again?’ ”