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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

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In the news: There’s new evidence that the U.S. may be sucked into a war with Haiti, says comedy writer Bob Mills: “The Haitian military just ordered a case of G.I. Joe dolls and 5,000 stickpins.”

Numerous U.S. cities commemorated D-day on Monday. “Hundreds of Marines landed on the beach in Southern California,” reports comic Argus Hamilton, “only to be driven back to Catalina Island by heavy Crip gunfire.”

David Letterman, on President Clinton urging school kids to practice abstinence: “That’s a little like me urging teens to not break the speed limit, isn’t it?”

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Letterman, on Oliver North’s GOP convention win in Virginia: “At the victory party, they used confetti made from shredded Iran-Contra documents.”

Jay Leno, on plans to cut down on counterfeiting by making the print on parts of new U.S. currency so small that it can’t be photocopied: “The government had to contact the people who print those car rental agreements. They’re the only ones capable of making such tiny print.”

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Crime watch: It doesn’t look like “Beverly Hills Cop III” will be the Eddie Murphy blockbuster that Paramount had hoped for. The working title for the next sequel in the series is now rumored to be “Beverly Hills Parking Lot Security Guard.”

In Northern California, white-collar criminals in a minimum security prison have gone on a hunger strike. They want to make only vanity license plates.

--Tony Peyser

A man who had committed a terrible crime was caught, found guilty by a jury and sentenced by a judge to 65 years in the penitentiary.

“Oh, your honor, have mercy on me,” the man pleaded. “I’m 72 years old. I won’t live that long.”

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The judge thought about it for a few seconds and then replied: “Do your best.”

--John F. King

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Short takes: The new “Wyatt Earp” movie with Kevin Costner is going to be one of those Westerns with psychological overtones--sort of a “Gunfight at the I’m OK, You’re OK Corral.”

--Mel Golob

Sign of the times, in a Beverly Hills boutique: “We honor all major credit cards. Some we adore.”

--American Legion magazine

You know you’re getting old when your body is out of order and your libido is out of ardor.

--Darrell R. Abbott

The company picnic is an effort made at least once each year to improve office morale with potato salad.

--Humor Files newsletter

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Reader George Duchin of Los Angeles recalls that during trip to Palm Springs with his three sons, the youngest, age 5, asked: “Dad, are you and mom still married?”

“No,” answered his brother, “they’re reversed.”

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