LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Among David Letterman’s Top 10 advantages of being executed on Donahue:

* Might get to check out one last big-busted stripper before you die.

* Tough questions from audience good warm-up for Judgment Day.

* The show’s makeup and hair people send you off looking damn good.

* Unlike Oprah, you don’t have to worry about Phil stealing your last meal.

* The kids who picked on you in high school will be really jealous when they see you on TV.

* Get last-minute endorsement cash by announcing that after you die, you’re going to Disney World.

* You don’t have to watch second half of the show.

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First Family watch: Letterman, on Hillary Clinton’s failed attempt to join the Marines: “They said, ‘You can’t come in--you’re too bossy.’ ”

Argus Hamilton, on the Japanese royals’ visit: “Empress Michiko and Hillary really hit it off. They had a long talk, and the empress has since announced that from now on she wants to be known as Michiko Rodham Akihito.”

Jay Leno, on the special prosecutor questioning the Clintons about Whitewater: “We missed a great opportunity here. As long as they had them under oath, we should’ve asked if they knew anything about health care, foreign policy or the economy.”

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Short takes: Leno, on 100,000 southern U.S. teen-agers turning in pledge cards promising to remain virgins until they marry: “Today in L.A., organizers said they almost convinced one teen-ager to at least try to hold out until the weekend.”

Comic Bruce Bellingham, on David Hasselhoff saying that people who criticize his “Baywatch” TV show do so out of ignorance: “He may be right. A new study shows that each time you watch the show, you lose 12 points off your IQ.”

Financial World magazine says money manager George Soros rakes in Wall Street’s highest salary: $1.3 billion. Comedy writer Bob Mills reports that Soros insists that he keeps the job “only because of its great dental plan.”

Tickets for Woodstock ’94 will soon go on sale, at $135 a pop. Mills says that fans still camped in the area to clean up after the original Woodstock won’t be required to pay again.

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Reader Joel Rapp of L.A. says he sneaked off to see a “The Flintstones” matinee the other day and found himself in the ticket line behind a father and his young daughter:

In front of them was a very obese woman. As I pondered how she would fit into a theater seat, the woman’s beeper went off.

The little girl’s eyes widened at the sound. She clutched her father’s hand and whispered fearfully: “Look out daddy, she’s going to back up!”