Tracking NFL’s Revolving Camps

Scouting the NFL training camps . . .

IRVINE--Chris Miller, new Ram quarterback, looks great in opening workouts. He drops back briskly, plants his right foot firmly and heaves perfect 50-yard spirals that . . . leave divots as they repeatedly nose dive into the ground, because the Rams have no wide receivers in camp.

As you may have heard.

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AUSTIN, Tex.--Big 150-question intelligence exam going down at the Dallas Cowboys’ training complex. Those who fail will not be permitted to participate in two-a-day drills.

“Question No. 17,” the moderator calls out. “Name every team in the NFC East Division. . . . Yes, you in the back.”

“OK. All right. I know this one. Here goes: There’s us. And there’s . . . Green Bay, I seem to recall. And . . . let’s see . . . there’s . . . Arizona? Yeah! Arizona and Arizona State and Iowa State and Nebraska.”

“Well, you got two right, Coach Switzer. Close enough. That’s two better than last time.”

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FLAGSTAFF, Ariz.--In yet another break from tradition, the ex-Chicago, ex-St. Louis, ex-Phoenix Arizona Cardinals have dispensed with their customary Red-White intrasquad scrimmage, at the request of new Coach Buddy Ryan.

“There’s a new boss in town,” Ryan informs his team before the scrimmage, “and it sure as hell ain’t you. So listen up, this is how it’s gonna be.

“Ex-Eagles on this side of the ball, ex-Bears on the other. And you, Garrison Hearst, I got a new position for you. Move that towel off the bench and you’ll see it.”

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DAVIE, Fla.--Don Shula, Sports Illustrated’s 1993 Sportsman of the Year despite losing his last five games of 1993, missing the playoffs and extending his Super Bowl championship-less streak to 20 years, signs a contract extension with the Miami Dolphins through 1996.

“How ya like them apples, mousse-head?” Shula says in a prepared statement before ripping up an 8-by-10 glossy of Jimmy Johnson, laughing hysterically and being carted away by the Dolphins’ medical staff.

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OXNARD--High-level Raider officials meet behind closed doors to discuss recent newspaper and magazine reports favoring them to win the AFC championship in 1994 and what to do about them.

After two hours of debate, potential sabotage is ruled out.

After two more hours of debate, the meeting is adjourned because Raider officials are stalemated over the question: “If we ban all newspaper and magazine reporters and then win the Super Bowl, will anybody notice?”

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PONTIAC, Mich.--The Detroit Lions greet their new starting quarterback, Scott Mitchell, who arrived from Miami during the off-season to replace. . . .

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PLATTEVILLE, Wis.--Erik Kramer, new Chicago Bear starting quarterback, who arrived from Detroit during the off-season to replace . . .

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ANDERSON, Ind.--Jim Harbaugh, new Indianapolis Colt starting quarterback, who arrived from Chicago during the off-season to replace . . .

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SUWANEE, Ga.--Jeff George, new Atlanta Falcons’ starting quarterback, who arrived from Indianapolis during the off-season to replace . . .

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IRVINE--Chris Miller, who arrived from Atlanta during the off-season to replace . . .

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LA CROSSE, Wis.--Jim Everett, new New Orleans Saint starting quarterback, who arrived from the Rams during the off-season to replace Wade Wilson, who left during the off-season, came back, and now waits to replace Everett some time during the Saints’ Sept. 25 game against San Francisco.

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BEREA, Ohio--Mark Rypien is profiled in an NFL-record 78 pre-season “fame-is-fleeting” newspaper pieces, all beginning with the same lead:

“Twenty-four months ago, Mark Rypien was on top of the pro football world, defending Super Bowl MVP for the defending Super Bowl champion Washington Redskins. Now, he backs up Vinny Testaverde in Cleveland.”

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FREDONIA, N.Y.--Buffalo Bill veterans report to camp, look at one another, say “Why bother?” and head back home.

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CARLISLE, Pa.--Wide receiver Henry Ellard, who left the Rams during the off-season to play for a winner, arrives at Washington Redskins training camp two years too late.

Scouts have been saying that Ellard has lost a step or two.

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MADISON, N.J.--In a training-camp prank gone horribly awry, Dave Brown and Kent Graham, the two men competing for Phil Simms’ vacated quarterback slot, switch jerseys and nobody notices.

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LA JOLLA--The San Diego Chargers open workouts with their only pass-catching threat, Anthony Miller, in the Denver Broncos’ camp.

Inspired by Brazil’s success against the United States in the World Cup, Chargers decide to play this season down a man, 10-on-11.

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ROCKLIN, Calif.--After watching films of their competition in the NFC West--the Rams, the Saints and the Falcons--the San Francisco 49ers cancel two-a-days and break for pizza and beers.

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RIVER FALLS, Wis.--Kansas City Chief quarterbacks Joe Montana and Steve Bono rip Steve Young behind his back something terrible.

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MANKATO, Minn.--Warren Moon, the quarterback who has done everything except play in the Super Bowl, joins the Minnesota Vikings, the football team that has done everything except win the Super Bowl.

Coach Dennis Green cancels practice.

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IRVINE--Wayne Gandy and Trent Dilfer fail to report to Ram training camp.