A practical guide to life in L.A.:...

A practical guide to life in L.A.: A Spanish-speaking friend of ours is taking an extension class in English that seems relevant to these parts. Her homework recently included this multiple-choice problem:

The robber said. . . .

1. Hands UP or I’ll shoot.

2. Hands DOWN or I’ll shoot.

3. Hands IN or I’ll shoot.

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Bears’ rights: Megan Rosenberg of Thousand Oaks found this disclaimer in a local play group’s program:

“The stereotypes portrayed in ‘Winnie the Pooh’ are in no way condoned by the Young Artists Ensemble, and we have left them intact to preserve the author’s original message. All bears do not like honey, not all donkeys are slow, not all piglets are easily frightened, and not all boys think that Winnie the Pooh can talk to them.”

Incidentally, stage manager Eric Martin of the Young Artists Ensemble wrote the disclaimer as a joke. Sure, we asked the group about it. These days you never know.

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Not a relative of Winnie’s, we hope: George Davies of La Verne, meanwhile, found a restaurant that doesn’t seem as sensitive about Smokeys.

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Our last-ever item on “Mairzy Doats”: In reference to the ‘40s comedy song, Bryan Coulter of Long Beach recalls seeing a sign on the River Mersey in England that said: “Mersey Docks and Harbors Board.”

Underneath that someone had scrawled: “And little lambs eat ivy” (the second line of “Mairzy Doats”).

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Lounging with a lizard? “During a recent production by the Civic Light Opera of South Bay Cities, a patron approached the hospitality table to report that the show ‘Oklahoma!’ was terrific,” writes spokeswoman Patty Ewing, “but that he was being distracted by a woman kissing and stroking a rather large iguana.”

When investigators found the woman, Ewing says, by then she “had put the lizard in her car and claimed that it was made of rubber.”

But Ewing wonders: Does the fact that it’s rubber put the woman in a better light?

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Water, water, sort of: Donna Pearson of Glendora sent us two photos of a sign in the stall of a public bathroom that said: “Caution non-potable flush water.”

Pearson wrote: “Since I don’t usually drink out of the toilet I wasn’t tempted to sample this water. I do wonder what the woman in the next stall thought when I took two flash photos in the bathroom.”

No problem, as long as you didn’t have an iguana with you.

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We’re clean befuddled: Bob Abrahams of L.A., meanwhile, does have several questions about a laundry sign he snapped. To wit: “Are they guaranteeing to press the buttons? Do buttons wrinkle? Five or more per order--is that shirts or buttons? Does this qualify as a dueling sign? Or worse?”

Dunno. Can’t get that iguana off our mind.

miscelLAny:

We all know there are basically two types of people in L.A. And, so, the Pasqua sandwich shop in the L.A. County Mall has two lines--one for those who want espresso or au lait with their food, and one for customers who prefer some other drink.