Only Fittest Jokes Survive in Jungle : In Updating Disneyland River Cruise, Comedy Writers Make Sure Guides Can Still Go Overboard

In the fierce Disney jungle, where jokes rain down on tourists like an evening at the Improv, only the strong--and the really corny--survive.

Taking advantage of a recent Jungle Cruise remodeling project, Disney comedy writers embarked on a major revision of its famed boat ride spiel, burying nearly one-fifth of the shtick that has been drawing guffaws and groans for decades.

Gone are old knee-slappers, such as the one about the crocodile and the gorilla, written in 1980. Time was when boatloads of tourists who passed by the two creatures fighting over a backpack would hear their skippers intone: “Now, there’s a croc with a snappy personality. He’s going to get himself a knuckle sandwich if he isn’t careful.”

“This just isn’t funny anymore,” said Disney senior show writer Christine Goosman, who supervised the revision, the first significant one since 1985. “Our view in the ‘90s is different than the ‘80s, and altogether different than the ‘60s.”

Inspired by the movie “The African Queen,” the Jungle Cruise ride in Adventureland has consistently been among Disneyland’s top 10 attractions since the amusement park opened in 1955. Guests glide along the river in open-air boats passing through lush foliage and waterfalls.

Although guests pass lifelike rhinos, hippos and elephants, the ride is known primarily for its comic appeal.

“The jokes are so corny,” said 39-year-old West Covina resident Susan A. Hidalgo, who was on board with her seven children. “That’s what makes the ride.”

The attraction’s jokes, like the jungle, have their own resilient ecosystem. For every wisecrack and one-liner weeded out in the review, another took root in the 37-page routine.

“The botanist told me bamboo can grow to be six stories tall,” skippers are now telling their passengers. “I think it’s seven . . . but then that’s another story.”

Nearly half of the script was spruced up to make it funnier to today’s audiences.

“Every time I go through this (new) script I start laughing,” said Goosman, who wrote most of the witticisms. “That’s so tacky, I know. You can’t laugh at your own jokes.”

Two key principles guided Goosman and her staff as they searched new terrains for Disney humor. The material not only had to be funny, but it had to enhance the ride’s safari theme.

For example, a joke about an elephant’s mate being the most feared animal in the jungle was bounced because it lacked informational value, Goosman said. The bit was supplanted by facts about an average elephant’s weight (six tons), height (10 feet) and life span (70 years).

Just when the ride starts sounding like a zoology lecture, guests are hit with this new zinger.

“I wouldn’t want to be around when they blew out the candles on his cake.”

“It has to move the story forward,” Goosman said. “We just don’t have stand-ups up there telling joke after joke. It’s not a comedy club.”

New jokes also had to conform to set alterations, which took place during a major Jungle Cruise renovation over the last six months. Boat-riding guests on the five-acre waterway will no longer hear the crack about the Shriners building an ancient Cambodian temple. The scene (and the joke) had to be scuttled to make way for the new Indiana Jones thrill ride, scheduled to open next year.

When the Indiana Jones ride opens next year, the lines of thrill-seeking guests will be visible to the passing jungle boats. Not to worry, the innocent bystanders will become part of the new act.

“When people disappear up that walk,” skippers will soon say, pointing to the Jones line, “I sometimes hear hideous screams of untold terror. Then I compose myself and resume the tour.”

Also, the ride’s former entrance was replaced by an enormous two-story Victorian-style home. The structure, parts of which are overgrown with vegetation, is designed to look like a trading post in 1936 colonial Africa.

As they snake their way through the building, guests are meant to slowly absorb the ‘30s atmosphere as they pass by six elaborate “vignettes” or rooms that recall the era.

While writing copy for a “wireless” room vignette, Goosman became acquainted with another comedy restriction--the delicate tastes of Disney. Originally, she proposed having a British broadcaster dryly making this pun: “As William Congreve so eloquently said, music has charms to soothe the savage breast.”

But the “B-word” wasn’t about to pass Mickey’s censors.

“After we recorded it, this line continued to dog me,” Goosman said. “People would say, ‘Didn’t you quote that wrong? Isn’t that beast?’ And then they’d say, ‘Can you say breast at Disney?’ ”

Goosman’s argument that Magic Kingdom restaurants served chicken breasts failed to sway her critics. The line was dropped.

The approved version, which can be heard crackling over the radio, says simply: “Here’s a charming new melody for your listening pleasure.”

However, few jokes were squashed because of fragile Disney sensibilities, said Goosman, who has written Disney comedy for more than 10 years. Jokes that failed to make it into the jungle just didn’t work, she said.

“You’ll write things and you’ll laugh your head off,” said Goosman, who included the boat skippers in the collaborative comic process. “But we are dealing with an audience here. It might ruin their day” if they were offended by a joke. “So, you have to pay a lot of attention to the reaction of people.”

The ride’s jokes frequently live or die by their delivery, Goosman said. That’s why each boat skipper is given a menu of four approved alternatives that they can use in each bit during the ride. The item the skippers choose depends on their manner and their sense of the 32-member audience.

“Every skipper has his own style,” said Fullerton resident Eric, 26, who has hammed up countless jokes in four seasons as a skipper. (It’s Disneyland policy not to release last names of park employees.) “I’m very over the top. There are others who are very dry.”

Eric, who quickly memorized the new script material, said: “There’s more interaction with guests on this ride than any other and that’s what makes it fun. What makes it work is when people groan and make faces.”

In spite of revisions, a few time-honored jokes keep creeping back into some of the skippers’ patter. According to the new script, when the boat emerges from the jungle, the skipper can say: “And now, we come to the most dangerous part of our journey: the return to civilization.”

But a couple of skippers on a recent hot afternoon deviated from the script, tacking on the previously acceptable “and the Southern Californian freeways” to the line.

The freeway remark upset Art Director Kim Irvine, in charge of concept design at Disneyland.

“There’s no continuity,” Irvine said. “It’s 1936 and then a freeway reference. Bam, there goes your whole visual setup.”

Of course, some of the attraction’s jokes will probably never be cast out of the jungle, Goosman said. For instance, on rainy days, you might hear a skipper tell one of Goosman’s favorite oldies as the vessel winds through its tranquil surroundings.

“Please remember,” the 30-year-old line goes. “That the tighter together you sit, the better the heating system on the boat works.”

“I love that joke,” Goosman said.