LAUGH LINES : Jokes

The happy couple: The Presley-Jackson wedding ceremony was beautiful, reports comedy writer Larry Swerdlow: “They promised to have and to hold, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, through good plastic surgery and bad.”

Comic Argus Hamilton doesn’t expect the marriage to last: “It’s not a good sign when the bride and groom are registered at the American Bar Assn.”

Investigative comedy reporter Tony Peyser says that their complicated prenuptial agreement dictates that in the event of a divorce, he’ll get custody of Robert Shapiro and Johnnie Cochran, while she’ll retain the rights to F. Lee Bailey and Alan Dershowitz.

Reader Karen McGinnis of Santa Barbara has the perfect wedding gift for Michael and Lisa Marie: “A Gender Blender.”

Richard Turnage, of KRTH 101’s Robert W. Morgan Show, says Jackson will now change the name of his Santa Ynez estate to “It’s Now or Neverland.”

And finally . . . comedy writer Bob Mills reports on the newlyweds first spat, in which Michael is overheard asking his new bride: “What do you mean he didn’t leave you his capes in the will?”

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Also in the news: Jay Leno, on the group promoting virginity that wants to give the President a petition and have him be its spokesman: “Clinton a spokesman for virginity? And you thought he was unqualified when it came to health care and foreign policy?”

Comedy writer Mel Golob, on the Orange County burglar who broke into homes to tickle people’s feet: “The court is recommending a rehab program that consists of 10 sessions with a psychiatrist, and another 10 with Dr. Scholl.”

Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on “The Mask,” the Jim Carrey movie that earned $23 million in its first weekend: “They’re already planning a sequel. Jim teams up with Tammy Faye Bakker and they open a school for makeup artists.”

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While giving a physical to a 65-year-old patient, a doctor comments to the man that medical science is still divided about which deteriorates first, potency or memory.

The patient responds quickly: “I can answer that one for you doc. My wife can fully arouse me in seconds.”

Then, however, he sobs: “But I just can’t remember what to do next.”

--Dick Thies, Long Beach

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Reader J. Walker Owens of Indian Wells says that while in recovery after a colonoscopy and biopsy, the doctor happily told him that he had no cancer:

In my half-awake state, I facetiously asked the doctor, “Well, what am I supposed to do about giving up all this wine, women, song and tobacco I’ve been warned about?”

The doctor looked down at me and smiled: “You can sing all you want.”