1-800-Honeymoon Skates on Thin Ice

Tonya Harding is currently shooting a movie, her second. I have no idea what it is about. Maybe she plays Wyatt Earp.

Tonya’s first film, meantime, is now available on home video.

In it, she portrays a newlywed who plunges into romance with a lean young hardbody named Jeff.

It’s a documentary.

The movie, “My Wedding Night,” or, as I like to think of it, “Sleepless in Portland,” is being sold on home video for $29.95 by an adults-only magazine with a toll-free number and a guilt-free conscience.

The honeymooners, Tonya Harding and hubby/accomplice Jeff Gillooly, are captured on camcorder after their wedding, doing the hokey-pokey.

Sentenced to probation, this is not Tonya’s idea of community-service work.

The former ice skater and mistress of mischief is incensed because somehow a bunch of creeps got their filthy hands on her private celluloid.

Criminal mastermind and experimental filmmaker Gillooly is insisting from his cramped studio along Cell Block B that he had absolutely nothing to do with this amateur production going public. Gillooly says he did not sell the film for profit and cellmates agree that Jeff would never do such a thing, even for a pack of cigarettes.

Tonya is plenty ticked off, though.

Imagine, the nerve of anybody, humiliating her this way.

I mean, the lengths people will go to, simply to hurt an innocent person.

Life is so unfair at times, isn’t it? This hurts so much, it’s like somebody was deliberately trying to wreck Tonya’s career. It’s like somebody is trying to keep both she and Jeff from leading normal lives. And boy, what did we ever do to anybody?

The poor things.

Tonya’s attorney--a pretty busy fellow--is absolutely livid that someone would disrupt her privacy this way. This is America! A citizen has rights!

Takes a lot of gall for some magazine to run pictures of Tonya, working on her axel and her lutz.

And then, to sell a video as well, what a naughty thing to do. It’s like a crime!

I mean, do you have any idea how embarrassing this would be if, say, what’s her name, that Kerrigan woman, got her hands on this film? How awful it would be to have that Kerrigan amuse herself at Tonya’s expense.

Gee whiz, Tonya says, I have my pride, you know.

A person should be entitled to her own life, without interference from anybody else, don’t you think?

Our wedding night! Is nothing sacred any more?

Master Thespian Gillooly never meant for his motion-picture debut to go worldwide. At first he was only going to take slides of Niagara Falls, but that’s so borrrring.

So, instead, he filmed his wife, a short subject.

Critic Gene Siskel gives it thumbs-on-the-nose. Critic Gene Shalit calls it a feel-good film, the “Citizen Kane” of figure skater honeymoon films. Critic Michael Medved says, “Gillooly has a wonderful sort of Capra quality, and it’s nice to see no violence for a change.” Columnist Liz Smith says Cher recently shampooed her hair.

The film recently was entered at the festival at Cannes, where judges gave it 6.0, 5.8, 6.0 and 5.9.

I, myself, was aghast at hearing that a magazine was publishing photographs and peddling videos without the expressed permission of either Tonya Harding or Major League Baseball.

From the slammer, Gillooly says he is absolutely appalled that his film is available to the general public, and that he wants either William Goldman or Robert Towne to write the big-screen adaptation.

Having missed the network Tonya movies, I probably won’t find time to see this one, either. Although I might try the laser disc, if it’s letter-boxed.

I am, however, looking forward to the new feature film Harding is currently making. I saw some footage on “Entertainment Tonight” the other day in which she was kicking some dude, hurtin’ him good. I’m pretty sure these were the compulsories.

It did appear to include a certain amount of violence. But then, so does she.

As for Gillooly, no word yet from prison on what he is now filming, or who with. Talk about entertainment tonight.