LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on strike-bound L. A. teachers rejecting the school district’s offer: “They claim it was copied from a previous offer, contained too many erasures and misspellings, and was turned in late.”

Oliver Stone’s new movie, “Natural Born Killers,” contains so much blood and gore, reports Mills, “that it’s been rated ‘O-positive.’ ”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the House passing Clinton’s crime bill with the ban on assault weapons in it: “Taking AK-47s off the shelves could have an immediate impact. It should speed up postal service.”

Comedy writer Larry Swerdlow, on Pizza Hut testing a system to allow customers with on-line computers to order pizza: “I just hope those delivery guys drive better on the information superhighway.”

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The Simpson case: Jay Leno, on prosecutor Marcia Clark visiting the eye doctor Monday: “Apparently she got eye strain from rolling her eyes whenever Robert Shapiro opened his mouth.”

Leno liked Clark’s attire Monday, but adds that she is a very strong woman: “I don’t want to says she is tough or anything, but I understand that her nickname in college was Hillary.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Shapiro calling Fox chairman Rupert Murdock to thank him for delaying the network’s O. J. movie until after jury selection: “On behalf of Marcia Clark and Judge Lance Ito, he also thanked Murdock for cancelling Chevy Chase.”

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Reader file: “A friend assessed his romantic involvements: I don’t think I ever really fell in love, although I may have stepped in it a few times.”

-- Patricia Merrill, L. A.

What’s the definition of a bachelor pad? All the house plants are dead but there’s something growing in the refrigerator.

-- Marshall Williams, Santa Monica

“Four elderly women were having lunch at a restaurant when the waiter came over and asked: “Is anything all right?”

-- Jim Brochu, North Hollywood

A brewery worker died after falling into a vat of beer, and the plant supervisor was charged with notifying the man’s widow.

Obviously upset with the news, the woman shrieked: “Oh, what a horrible way to die!”

“It really wasn’t that bad, ma’am,” the supervisor replied. “He climbed out three different times to use the restroom.”

-- Jay Dubb, Riverside

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The Carlsbad bakery where reader Diana Parks manages the office had to renew its vehicle insurance. The agent wanted to know if any employees used their own cars for deliveries and what type of vehicles they drove. So Parks tacked a note on the bulletin board: “Diana wants to know the name of your car.”

When I checked back, one young guy had scribbled, “Nice of you to ask. I’ve always called it Orville.”