RAMS ’94 / SEASON PREVIEW : Niners Get Nod; Switzer Hangs Tough

Pro football ‘94, from Bay to Zzzzzz. . .

1. San Francisco. Old Pro Bowl veterans never die, they just play out their options and sign with San Francisco. Ken Norton, Richard Dent, Rickey Jackson, Bart Oates and Gary Plummer have all piled on board in recent months, proving two things: (a) Steve Young won’t have that “He’s No Mr. January” thing to worry about much longer; and (b) this new NFL salary cap apparently comes in adjustable sizes.

2. Dallas. We interrupt this dissertation on why the Cowboys can’t win the Super Bowl with Barry Switzer for a few words from new Cowboy and former Ram offensive coordinator Ernie Zampese, who is miked and on the practice field right now. Ernie? “YEEEEE HAW! HOOOOEEE! Try that again, Troy! For the folks back in Orange County. That’s right. Look at this, look at this! He’s back in the pocket! He doesn’t fall down! HE DOESN’T FALL DOWN! Now watch this. He throws! A PERFECT SPIRAL! Over Michael Irvin’s right shoulder! Not 15 yards behind him! Not into the Powerade cooler! RIGHT ON THE MONEY! And he catches it! HE CATCHES IT! Omigod, omigod. (Zampese begins to sob.) Bless you, Jerry Jones. Bless you, sir, ble . . . “(Audio feed goes dead as microphone shorts out.)

3. Raiders. Where it’s Throwback Week every week as the Raiders bring back their playbook from 1969, personally autographed by Daryle (Mad Bomber) Lamonica. Page 1: Quarterback throws deep down the right sideline. Page 2: Quarterback throws deep down the left sideline. Page 3: Quarterback throws deep over the middle. Page 4: PAT formation.

4. Denver. John Elway passed for 4,000 yards last season, and now he has three new amigos--Anthony Miller, Mike Pritchard and Leonard Russell. Final score, 1994 AFC Championship Game: Raiders 52, Broncos 51, on a two-point conversion.

5. Kansas City. New pregame introductions for the Chiefs this season: “Starting at quarterback, No. 19, Joe Montana. Finishing at quarterback, No. 13, Steve Bono.” New stat for Chiefs quarterbacks this season: Complete games.

6. Miami. Two words: Dan Marino. Two more words: Achilles heel. Yeah, tell Don Shula about it.

7. Green Bay. According to Pro Football Weekly, “the sky is the limit” with young Packer quarterback Brett Favre. Well, I have seen Favre throw and let me tell you: The sky is no limit.

8. Arizona. They said Buddy Ryan would never coach in this league again. They forgot Bill (Beavis) Bidwill still owns a team in this league. They forgot there are teams that could use some more fannies in the seats in this league. They forgot the Buddy Ryan Traveling All-Stars--Seth Joyner, Clyde Simmons, Jim McMahon, Terry Hoage--would follow their beloved old coot to the ends of the earth, or Phoenix, or is that redundant? What next? How about 9-7 and Buddy in the conference semifinals?

9. Buffalo. If we give them a baseball team, do you think maybe they’ll go away and leave us alone?

10. Minnesota. What do Joe Kapp, Fran Tarkenton and Warren Moon have in common? You got it. None of them have won a Super Bowl.

11. Houston. No, Oiler games just won’t be the same without Moon standing there on the sideline, breaking up bare-knuckled brawls between assistant coaches.

12. Detroit. Scott Mitchell has been in the league five years, didn’t start a game during the first four, then started four games in 1993, then hurt his shoulder, then started the last three games of 1993 and lost them all. Noting this, the Lions immediately signed Mitchell to a free-agent contract worth $11 million, plus a $5-million signing bonus. The Great Detroit Lion Super Bowl Dynasty, explained at last.

13. Pittsburgh. Needs to trade for some offensive help. Too bad the L.A. Kings aren’t in the league.

14. Philadelphia. Game to watch--Nov. 6, Buddy Ryan and the Cardinals at Eagles. At home, Rich Kotite feels like a tourist.

15. New York Giants. In case you forget why the baseball players are striking, Phil Simms will be happy to remind you.

16. New England. I still want to know where they got those uniforms. USFL garage sale? Or Arena Football hand-me-downs?

17. Cleveland. Where have you gone, Mark Rypien? Trust me, you don’t want to know.

18. Seattle. Dangerous objects have been falling onto the floor of the Kingdome for years. That’s why the Seahawks finally had to go out and draft Rick Mirer.

19. San Diego. Do the ends justify the Means? In the Chargers’ offense they do.

20. Atlanta. The Falcons had to fire Jerry Glanville because he was too controversial, too unpredictable and too unstable a personality. So they bring in Jeff George.

21. Rams. They went 0-4 during the 1993 exhibition season and 0-4 during the 1994 exhibition season. They went 6-10 during the 1992 regular season and 5-11 during the 1993 regular season. Conclusive proof that the Rams aren’t moving anywhere.

22. New Orleans. Jim Everett gets a new lease on life. That’s right--first and last months’ rent, plus cleaning deposit, within walking distance of the French Quarter, utilities not included.

23. Tampa Bay. Game to watch--Dec. 11, Rams at Buccaneers. Over-under on Trent Dilfer that day is four touchdown passes.

24. Chicago. Last year, Dave Wannstedt thought Jim Harbaugh was the answer at quarterback. This year, Wannstedt thinks Erik Kramer is the answer at quarterback. Wannstedt was a very good defensive coordinator when he was with the Cowboys.

25. New York Jets. When Ronnie Lott agreed to accept a pay cut to help the team squeeze a couple more salaries under the cap, the Jets said they needed more players just like him. Now they’re scouting 6-foot-1, 203-pound, 35-year-old offensive linemen.

26. Indianapolis. Sporting event traditionally witnessed by millions of Americans: Indianapolis 500. Sporting event almost never witnessed by millions of Americans: Indianapolis, .500.

27. Cincinnati. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, Don Shula once told his son David. No, but sometimes it lands at the bottom of the AFC Central and just rots there.

28. Washington. Game to watch--Dec. 24, Redskins at Rams. Season finale for both. Loser leaves town.