LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on John Bobbitt’s desire to get back together with ex-wife Lorena: “Actually part of him wants to go back, part of him doesn’t.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the makers of French’s mustard acquiring the manufacturer of Lysol spray: “The products already share a commonality. Both cover up the effects of a bad hot dog.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Boris Yeltsin’s White House visit: “This time last year, he crushed a legislative revolt by using troops and tank fire. He was going by Clinton’s Law: It’s a lot easier to ask forgiveness than permission.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the bickering between L.A. County Supervisors Gloria Molina and Mike Antonovich over her motion that would have required him to pay for helicopter trips across his district: “Antonovich flew off the handle, but he charged the county for that trip too.”

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The trial: Peyser, on KNBC’s Tracie Savage saying that some of her sources are backing away from earlier claims that Nicole Brown Simpson’s blood was found on O.J.’s socks: “Station insiders say Savage will soon join the Simpson Case Support Group founded earlier this year by KCBS’ Harvey Levin.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on jury selection: “Prospective panelists may survive preliminary questioning, but the toughest phase still lies ahead--the swimsuit competition.”

Comedy writer Buddy Baron, on the 45-foot scaffolding networks erected outside the courthouse: “Judge Lance Ito is begging for another earthquake.”

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On the first tee, a female golfer hooked her drive and hit a man coming down the adjacent fairway. He immediately bent over and thrust his hands between his legs in the groin area.

She rushed over, apologized and told him that she was a doctor and would massage the area, which she did. After a few minutes, she asked if he felt better.

“I sure do,” he replied, “but my hand still hurts.”

--Ed Thorsell, L.A.

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Comedy writer Mark Miller’s salute to October:

* Sunday, Oct. 2, marks the 44th anniversary of the “Peanuts” comic strip. You’d never know it from reading the cartoon--except for Charlie Brown’s occasional concerns about his prostate.

* Also Sunday . . . the 125th anniversary of the birth of Mahatma Gandhi. Lesser known was his brother, Murray Gandhi, who invented the sweatband.

* October is National Depression Education and Awareness Month, which coincides with National Stay Off Window Ledges Month.

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While living in San Francisco, reader Winston Katz of Santa Barbara was looking for a new apartment. He spotted a “For Rent” sign, rang the doorbell and, when a man opened the door, Katz saw that his head was covered with white surgical bandages. Katz asked if the apartment was still for rent.

“No,” replied the man, “I’ve changed my mind.”