Nippon Ham Fighters: We Wuz Robbed : You’re thinking that I, as a baseball fan, am simply venting my frustration over the fact that it is now October and there is no World Series . . .

The Commissioner

Major Indoor Baseball League

c/o The Los Angeles Times

Times Mirror Square

Los Angeles, Calif. 90053

Dear Commish:

The so-called final report of the strike-shortened 1994 MIBL season has finally arrived at the Chatsworth headquarters of the Nippon Ham Fighters. As you know, this report claims that the Hams finished in fifth place among 10 teams, following the “champion” Ballbusters, the Disgruntled Postal Workers, the Four Baggers and--well, waddaya know?--your very own Power Mongers.

To say that I am disturbed is an understatement.

You may think the season is over, but I say we have some unfinished business to discuss. Indeed, the Nippon Ham Fighters hereby lodge a formal protest of the alleged standings and demand immediate redress.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I, as a baseball fan, am simply venting my frustration over the fact that it is now October and there is no World Series for the first time in 90 years. You’re thinking that I feel cheated by people like the owners’ strongman Bud Selig and players’ rep Donald Fehr. You’re thinking that I, like thousands of other fantasy or “rotisserie” team owners, feel bamboozled for having built our teams with the belief that a full, 162-game schedule would be played.

And no doubt you’re thinking: “Sour grapes!” You’re thinking I’m a sore loser.

Well, sticks and stones. What I’m seeking here is justice.

Yes, it’s true that the alleged standings showed the Nippon Ham Fighters in fifth place with 5,197 points, a piddling three points behind your Power Mongers. Yes, this tiny margin--the difference between a bloop single and an out, basically--kept the Fighters out of the money. Yes, it cost me my $75 investment.

But let’s get down to business:

First: The report shows that the Ballbusters, to use your words, “played Strike Ball to their advantage” by signing three free agents after major league play stopped. One was the Brewers’ Kevin Seitzer, whom the Busters played at third base. It just so happens that I was scouting Seitzer myself and can assure you that, during much, if not most, of the season, he played first base. As you know, to qualify for the Busters’ lineup under MIBL rules, Seitzer would have had to play a plurality of games at third base.

It’s galling enough that the Busters’ key player was Steve Howe, the former cocaine abuser “banned for life” from baseball yet who somehow is still playing. It shouldn’t be surprising that the Busters, in the tradition of the champion Northridge Little League All-Stars, would try to slip an illegal player into their lineup.

You’ll recall that after Northridge got caught early in their playoffs, they had to bench the player. If, as I strongly suspect, the Busters played Seitzer illegally, they would have to bench him and would lose his 297 points. This would drop the Busters to fifth place and the Disgruntled Postal Workers would then be the champions. My Nippon Ham Fighters would be elevated to fourth place, enabling me to recoup my $75 investment.

Now, the chances are slim to none that I’m wrong about Seitzer. No matter. There is a second issue that cries out for attention: the lamentable rule limiting teams to only two roster changes.

May I remind you that the Nippon Ham Fighters, in light of the strike, petitioned for this rule being relaxed to allow more trading. After a few days, I graciously accepted on faith your statement that my proposal had been rejected by my fellow owners.

Now it’s apparent that I shouldn’t have been so gracious--that I should have demanded a full and open vote of the owners.

Why, how suspicious it is that your Power Mongers are the only team that would have suffered by my proposal! Your conflict of interest is so blatant! Face it: You’re the Bud Selig of MIBL. You own a franchise and you pretend to serve the best interests of MIBL as commissioner. The name of your team is oh, so appropriate.

Oh, sure. You’re thinking that I’m still kicking myself because I failed to use one of my two trades to deal the Pirates’ Zane Smith, a solid pitcher on my bench, for extra hitting. You think I’m just mad because, had I dealt Smith, the Hams would have easily finished in fourth place and might have even grabbed the third-place money. Why, the Hams probably would have nailed down the second-place purse, since my protest against the Busters is certain to be upheld. Hell, if it wasn’t for the damn strike, my Hams would have copped the MIBL crown. We were really coming on strong.

Yes, this season has been a travesty, and all because of power and greed. The vices that have poisoned both the major leagues have infected MIBL as well. It’s sad to think that the Ballbusters would want to win so badly as to resort to chicanery, and sadder still that you would abuse your trust as commissioner.

Shame on you for forgetting that it’s just a game.

And one more thing: Get a life.

Sincerely,

Scott Harris

Owner, Nippon Ham Fighters

(Editor’s note: After an investigation, the MIBL commissioner found no legitimate basis for the Nippon Ham Fighters’ protest, noting that Kevin Seitzer played 43 games at third base, 35 at first. Furthermore, it was determined that if Harris had signed Seitzer, the Hams would have earned three more points, tying the Power Mongers for fourth place.)

Scott Harris’ column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Readers may write to Harris at the Times Valley Edition, 20000 Prairie St., Chatsworth, Calif. 91311.