Laugh Lines : Jokes

In the news: On the Leonardo da Vinci manuscript auctioned Friday for $30.8 million: Comedy writer Mark Miller says the figure tops the $27.4-million record for a Steven Seagal manuscript arguing his movies are different from one another.

Archivists who examined the manuscript were puzzled over words like milk and butter until they realized they were part of a grocery list dictated by Mrs. da Vinci. (Bob Mills)

Jay Leno, on Sydney Biddle Barrows’ new job as “expert” commentator for the Heidi Fleiss trial at one of the cable channels: Instead of hiring a legal expert, they got a woman who made her name as a madam. “They figured it’s a few bucks cheaper, and she essentially does the same thing.”

A recent survey shows a growing number of lawyers are unhappy in their profession. Comedy writer Alan Ray says the news gets even more disturbing: “A number are happy in their jobs.” Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the bogus BBC announcement that the Queen Mother had died: “Former Secretary of State Alexander Haig, who was traveling in England, held a press conference and declared, ‘ I’m in charge here.’ ”

On a telephone-directory misprint of a phone-sex line under an IRS heading: “It’s not a huge difference; whoever calls will wind up getting screwed out of some money,” Peyser says.

Comedy writer Michael Connor, on President Clinton’s trip to Asia: “He was misbriefed; he told the mayor of Manila he loves their envelopes.”

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Election aftermath: Because of the recent Republican landslide, Clinton may replace his once-favorite song “Don’t Stop,” which beckons listeners to think about tomorrow, to “Yesterday,” says reader Gary Easley. And Mills says: “Aides of Sen. Alfonse D’Amato were barely able to talk Sonny Bono out of replacing the nation’s anthem with ‘I Got You Babe.’ ”

The beat goes on about Bono’s win. Its real message, says comic Argus Hamilton, is that “voters are so angry they’re willing to try a Republican who inhaled.”

Oliver North may not have been elected to office, yet Marion Barry--despite escapades with drugs and prostitutes--was. Reader Greg Rutter wants to know: “Does this mean Heidi Fleiss will get Dan Rostenkowski’s job?”

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Reader Barbara Mercer of Rancho Palos Verdes wanted to explain to her 5-year-old daughter, whose father is an attorney, about American democracy and presidential leadership.

The little girl asked about contemporary kings and queens. Mercer told her about English royalty, and that the United States has a different setup. Her mother then asked her daughter if she knew who runs this country.

The little girl paused, then answered, “Um . . . lawyers?”