LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on President Clinton visiting South-Central Los Angeles on Monday: “But he has no plans to visit Southern California’s poorest section--Orange County.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Oprah admitting she tried cocaine during her 20s: “She wouldn’t exactly specify which 20s, age or dress size.”

Ray, on sheep ranchers opposing the return of wolves to Yellowstone: “The wolf is livestock’s second most-feared predator. First is the drunken hunter.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on lawyers for Qubilah Shabazz, Malcolm X’s daughter, saying the U. S. government entrapped her into a plot to kill Louis Farrakhan: “It’s murky. The only thing we know for sure about her is that her name is worth 10,000 points in Scrabble.”

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Cirque du O. J.: “Robert Shapiro says that he will never speak to F. Lee Bailey again. That should save O. J. about $500 an hour right there.” (Leno)

* “Speaking of Bailey, Shapiro said, ‘We can’t have snakes in the bed trying to sleep with us.’ But, according to Heidi Fleiss, such could, in fact, be arranged for a few hundred more.” (Mark Miller)

* “The feud results from their different strategies: Shapiro wants to take O. J. for all he’s worth. Bailey wants all that, plus court and travel costs, and a personal trainer/masseuse.” (Miller)

* “The rift intensified when Shapiro told Bailey what he thought his first initial stood for.” (Gary Easley)

* “Things have gotten so bad between them that the other day, Shapiro asked Judge Lance Ito to sequester Bailey.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “The split came when both demanded that Tom Cruise play their part in the movie.” (Gary Robb)

* “How many O. J. lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One screws it in, the other tells the tabloids he did a lousy job.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Shapiro says he’s no longer on speaking terms with Bailey. That’s a start. Now if he’d just shut up and leave the rest of us alone.” (Ryan)

* “The fight proves something we’ve all suspected: Even attorneys can’t stand attorneys.”(R. Alex Kaseberg)

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Business highlights: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the Rams move: “Angry Southern California fans will get the last laugh. The new contract with St. Louis was negotiated by Robert Citron.”

Peyser, on the firm handling the affairs of The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, being delinquent in paying bills: “If this keeps up, he could soon be filing The Bankruptcy Currently Known As Chapter 11.”

Kaseberg, on infomercial exercise guru Susan Powter filing for bankruptcy: “This woman lost more than 100 pounds. What she should have lost were her accountant and her hairdresser.”

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L. A. reader Jesse Hanifan said that as son Erik, 3, was getting ready for bed, the boy told his mom: “I’m going to tell you a bedtime story about dinosaurs.” Erik paused for a moment, then said:

“Wait Mom! I have to rewind.”