There’s Another Side to Estrangements

Being one of those adult children who has, as you say, “turned my back” on my parents, I read with interest “Fractured Families” (Jan. 11). While the sadness of a rejected mother was well documented, writer Barbara Bronson Gray failed to ask any adult children why they have rejected their parents.

Allow me that voice. My parents are nasty, rude and insulting, denigrating me at every opportunity. I figured about five years ago that if I was ever to reach my fullest potential as an adult, and contribute my gifts to this society, I would have to leave these sick, destructive people behind.

Has anyone else noticed how many parents are trying to destroy their offspring lately? Maybe it’s a result of overpopulation. Parents want to see their children emotionally dead, defeated, depressed and denigrated.

I would suggest there is often no mystery as to why adult children must reject their parents in order to live happy, productive lives.

NAME WITHHELD, Santa Barbara

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Nowhere did writer Gray consider the possibility that the parents interviewed found their child’s decision inexplicable because they preferred not to know what their child was talking about.

The mother who insists, “I tried to talk to her about it, but she won’t answer me,” may be conveniently forgetting the many times the daughter did try to tell her mother what the mother prefers not to admit about her own actions.

The hopeful child and over-compliant adolescent withstand all sorts of parental wrongdoing, knowing they cannot survive without the parent, however flawed. As adults, they realize, finally, that they can indeed survive, and even thrive. It is not that they would rather be without parents. It is no triumph. Of course it is sad. It can, however, also be a relief.

By the way, I find it ironic that the same edition included a piece supporting battered women’s right to leave a dangerous relationship, and to refuse to subordinate their well-being to the needs of a harmful partner.

KAREN GREENBAUM-MAYA, Claremont

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I don’t think there is such a great mystery in the estrangement of children from their parents (“Fractured Families,” Jan. 11).

Once a person realizes the only reason he exists is for the self-aggrandizement of his parents, forgiveness becomes almost impossible.

RICK SANFORD, Los Angeles

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The main suggestion made in this article seems to be that teen-agers should be sure to go through the “common” stages of rebellion and disengagement promptly so they don’t have a more severe breakaway from their parents later in life.

I have not heard of many who are happy with the direction of many American young people lately. Californians should be familiar with the concept since we have one-fifth of the juvenile offenders in the country locked up.

Rebellion, first against parents and then against other authorities, is definitely a major root cause here--not a solution.

VICTOR ROSEMA, Pasadena