SUPER BOWL XXIX SPOTLIGHT : ALL THE WORLD’S A CAPITALISTIC STAGE

Welcome to the most insincere commercial endeavor since the Hallmark Card, the inglorious celebration that signals the decline of Western civilization.

The NFL’s frivolous finale somehow has inched its way into the collective American consciousness like a national holiday. As tradition would have it, the game was a turkey.

Leading up to Sunday’s XXIXth edition wasn’t much better with a marked increase in pimping of all sorts of products, gizmos and promotions.

The ones we found particularly distasteful:

--Jerry Glanville, former Houston and Atlanta coach who now has nothing better to do than search for Elvis, was featured on a subscription-based entertainment service. Glanville, who never quite coached in a real Super Bowl, predicted plays against subscribers around the country.

“It was tough enough coaching in the NFL against one guy at a time,” Glanville said in a news release. “Now I have to take on thousands of fans all around the country. My head’s into it, my heart’s into it--hey, I’m going to be tough to beat.”

Yeah, right.

--Another coach who cannot stay out of the limelight, none other than Jimmy (Don’t Call Me J.J.) Johnson held an opening for his Three Rings Bar & Grill in Miami. Calling it the place to be during the Super Bowl, Johnson promised patrons celebrity sightings.

And we thought the place to be was on the field at Joe Robbie Stadium.

--They call this smart banking? This from the bank that lent its shirt to business wizard Bruce McNall: Bank of America pushed a promotion in which the big winner would earn $1,000 for each point (limit $50,000) scored during the Super Bowl.

With the San Francisco 49ers perhaps the greatest offensive team in NFL history, was there any doubt the bank was out $50 grand?