Spring Baseball Capsules Hard to Swallow

And now, for the final word in exercises in futility, comes this dispatch across the Associated Press sports wire:

“Spring Training Capsules” the item is slugged.

“One way or another,” it begins, “there’s going to be baseball this week. A look at the 28 spring training camps as pitchers and catchers prepare to report.”

You read this and you think, this has to be a joke, right?

Pitchers and catchers prepare to report where?

To their living rooms and their poolside lounge chairs, same way it’s been for weeks, until Donald Fehr phones and instructs them to do otherwise, that’s where.

There will be no pitchers and catchers reporting to training camps this week. Not major league pitchers and catchers. Not anyone you and I know. The count on major league baseball hasn’t changed in six months--it’s still no balls, one strike--and when camps open, none of the players the people want to see will be anywhere near them.

The owners, however, still have spring-training admissions to collect, so they are planning to put on games with all the players the people don’t want to see. Strikebreakers, scabs, opportunists, self-centered greedheads, self-deluded Walter Mittys and Class-A longshots.

Gee, where do I line up to plunk down my $9?

The AP dispatch presses on as earnestly as it can, trying not to laugh as it “previews” each of the 28 camps. Some excerpts:

“BOSTON RED SOX--Manager Kevin Kennedy will be among the new arrivals in camp; Jose Canseco, whom Kennedy helped bring from Texas, will not be.”

“NEW YORK YANKEES--Matt Stark prepares to become Don Mattingly’s pinstriped replacement at first base. Stark, 30, had brief shots with Toronto and Chicago White Sox several years ago, and was a slugger in the Northern League last season.”

“NEW YORK METS--Herb Winningham, who began his career with the Mets in 1984, returns to New York as a replacement player at age 33.”

“MILWAUKEE BREWERS--Gorman Thomas, home run-hitting hero of Harvey’s Wallbangers in 1982, hopes to get back into the swing at age 44 as a star strikebreaker.”

“LOS ANGELES DODGERS--(Vero Beach is) the most famous and most open camp in spring training. Any fan strolling along Jackie Robinson Avenue or Vin Scully Way is sure to get a sight of Tommy Lasorda driving by in a golf cart.”

If that’s not reason enough to pack up the kids and head east for Florida today, I don’t know what is.

In the interest of time and newsprint conservation, these 28 capsules can, and will, be compressed into one.

SPRING TRAINING, 1995

Site: A handful of retirement cities in Arizona and Florida hoping that dollar-burning tourists have nothing better to do these next six weeks than watch Tommy Lasorda drive by in a golf cart.

Ticket Prices: Anything above “FREE” is too high.

Pitchers and Catchers Report: When Bud Selig and Donald Fehr shake hands, or hell freezes over, whichever comes first.

Players To Watch: Unless you’re related, not a one of them. If the strike ends on, say, March 15, all of these guys will be on busses back to Idaho and Montana March 16. They are here only to (a) get their name on a couple paychecks, (b) get their name in the paper and (c) brag to their beer buddies on Opening Day, “I was a Florida Marlin for a week-and-a-half.” Oh, and (d) be exploited by the owners, who buy a little more time and a little more leverage against the union with every new strikebreaker they sign.”

Who’s Hot: Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos, early and heavy favorite for 1995 Baseball Man of the Year. Breaking away from the lemmings pack, Angelos has refused to field a replacement team or have his minor leaguers play any exhibition games against replacement teams that charge admission. An owner who cares about the integrity of the sport and takes the fans to be something more than slobbering, gullible simpletons. One out of 28. Is it any wonder Bill Clinton’s exasperated?

Who’s Not: Greg Mathews, former St. Louis pitcher and potential Kansas City strikebreaker, who recently laid out the terms of the Scab Manifesto thusly: “I don’t feel a part of the union or the owners. My alliances are with my family. I know I’m not a major league pitcher. It just gives the fans something to watch while the negotiations are going on. Like a fantasy camp.” No, Greg, it just gives the fans something bland and unsatisfying to chew on while the owners put the screws to the players--and make a few bucks on the side. If it’s just “like a fantasy camp,” why are teams preparing to charge between $2 and $15 a head for the privilege to watch? Better not think out there too much. In this game, thinking only gets you into trouble.

Outlook: Scabs spring eternal.