LAUGH LINES : JOKES

In the news: Comedy writer Gary Easley, on a poll that shows more people know Lance Ito is the judge in the O.J. Simpson case than know The Newt is Speaker of the House: “Psychologists attribute this to hysterical amnesia: the ability of humans to forget traumatic experiences.”

The Newt won’t run for President. He came to Washington with but one goal in mind, says comedy writer Alan Ray: “To protect and serve his publisher.”

Ray, on a report that says female lawyers haven’t advanced very far in the past seven years: “Poor pay, humiliation and a lack of respect isn’t fair. Society should treat male lawyers just as badly.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on convicted commuter railway murderer Colin Ferguson’s claim that the CIA controlled him with a surgically implanted computer chip : “The CIA said it didn’t use a chip. It used a cereal: Froot Loops.”

Jay Leno, on Darryl Strawberry’s return to drug rehabilitation: “With Dwight Gooden pitching and Strawberry hitting, ‘Betty Ford’ has a better team now than the Mets.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on Major League Baseball with replacement players: “It’s a bit like ‘Hamlet’ with Steve Erkle. Or Woodstock II opening with Kathie Lee Gifford.”

Comic Jenny Church, on Pat Robertson taking over the Ice Capades: “Before every show, skaters must hit their knees in prayer. Or, Tonya Harding will do it for them.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on nude sunbathers near Titusville, Fla., becoming more daring by driving naked: “Coincidentally, authorities report a threefold increase in hitchhiking.”

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As Hillary Clinton walked around Washington one day, she came upon a young boy with a box of kittens. She commented how cute they were, to which he replied, “Yeah, and they’re all Democrats.” She told her husband about the encounter, so the next day he took a walk in the area.

As President Clinton strolled by, the boy said the kittens were all Republicans. The President reminded him of his remark the previous day.

“Yeah,” the boy replied, “but today their eyes are open.”

--Paul Ecker, Diamond Bar

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Cirque du O.J.: “Anybody who would call that Al Cowlings 900 hot line has got to be a real idiot. Besides, it’s always busy.” (R. Alex Kaseberg)

* “Cowlings says he established his 900 line because he wants ‘the truth to come out.’ Well, the truth is out: A.C. is greedy.” (Kevin Healey)

* “After expressing shock about his ex-wife’s death, O.J. asked Detective Ronald Phillips: ‘You didn’t happen to find an extra glove, did you?’ ” (Mark Miller)

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Jason Carothers of Long Beach says that two years ago, his niece Danielle, 3, was an angel for Halloween. Last year, she was a bear. Recently, her father came home to find her wearing the angel wings over the bear costume.

“Look, Dad,” she said. “These are my buffalo wings.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.