LAUGH LINES

Among the Top 10 things overheard at a spring training game with replacement players, according to comedy writer Kevin Healey:

* “We ask that you now wake up for the playing of our national anthem.”

* “Can you take my place in the field? I’ve got a pizza to deliver.”

* “I don’t even want to know how they got Billy Martin in the dugout.”

* “Now pitching, Roger Clemens . . . Uh, I’m sorry, Clarence Clemons.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on replacement players: “They just aren’t the same as the real pros. Not one of them could pick up a hooker if they had to.”

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In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the U.S. guaranteeing $20 billion in loans to Mexico, but retaining veto power over how much of it is spent: “This means it’s not really aid; it’s more like we’re giving them an allowance.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Southern Baptist Convention opposing Henry Foster as surgeon general: “It’s not the abortions. The Baptists found out that at his medical school graduation, Foster drank a beer and slow-danced.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on the 365th anniversary of colonists first tasting popcorn: “It was provided by their neighbor, Quadequina, who complained: ‘We brought the popcorn, the least you could have done was pick up a video.’ . . . Incidentally, Quadequina is an early Wampanoag word that means Orville Redenbacher. “

Comic Jenny Church, on the Florida student accused of trying to hire a hit man to kill a secretary and cover up her theft of a law school exam: “What do you bet it was a test on legal ethics?”

Cutler, on Rosa Lopez, defense witness and housekeeper for O.J.’s next-door neighbor, being ordered to appear in court on Friday: “The attorneys have been throwing so much dirt, they just want her to help clean it up.”

Comedy writer Brad Halpern, on F. Lee Bailey saying LAPD bungled the investigation by not wearing protective booties at the crime scene: “Bailey said Robert Shapiro even wears them when he tiptoes around Johnnie Cochran.”

Peyser, on KABC’s Ira Fistel, accused of leaving the scene of a fatal car wreck before police arrived, so he could do his talk show: “Cops called him on the air and asked about the accident. Fistel replied, ‘Good question, but tonight’s topic is the motor-voter bill.’ ”

Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on the N.Y. dermatologist who liposuctions fat from the buttocks, then injects it into the lips: “Boy. And you thought your mate’s morning breath was bad before.”

Premiere Morning Sickness, on the French woman who turned 120 Tuesday: “She celebrated with cake, champagne and an invigorating defibrillation.”

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L.A. reader Lenore Schlachtman was looking at a new wildlife book with her daughter Sarah. As they came to a section about deer, the girl told her mother which animals were female and which were male. When Schlachtman asked what a girl deer is called, Sarah responded, “A doe.” Her mom then asked, “And what do we call a boy deer?” Guessing, Sarah replied:

“Ray?”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.