Survey Has No Right Answers

This weekend in replacement camps throughout Arizona and Florida, hundreds of aspiring ballplayers could be seen in dugouts and clubhouses scratching their heads as they pored over the newest rite of spring training--the “Are You With Us Or Agin’ Us?” For-Official-Use-Only Player Questionnaire.

With this sheet of paper, each player instantly determines his future in professional baseball. Management is trying to weed out the closet union loyalists and locate enough short-term opportunists so they can put on three weeks’ worth of meaningless baseball games that could produce hundreds of dollars for the parent franchise’s coffers.

So teams are passing out these handy little fact-finders, and maybe No. 2 pencils as well, and asking players to spend a few minutes to check the right box and continue to suit up, or check the wrong box and prepare to pack up.

The questionnaires are brief, concise, easy to follow--and read exactly like this (or so I have heard):

1. Describe yourself as a player.

() Infielder.

() Outfielder.

() Pitcher.

() Catcher.

() Dreamer.

() Filler.

() Not much. Why do you think I’m here?

() Your guess is as good as mine. I’m only here for the per diem.

2. Will you consent to participate in exhibition games this spring?

() Yes.

() No.

() Does this mean I haven’t been cut yet?

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2a. If above answer is ‘Yes,’ what specific ramifications do you anticipate? (You may check more than one box.)

() I will be ostracized by my striking major league brethren.

() I will be ostracized by replacement picketers paid to ostracize me by my striking major league brethren who are sipping a few cold ones at poolside.

() I will set the major league players union movement back 20 years.

() I will set major league baseball back 20 years.

() My team will lose.

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2b. If above answer is ‘No,’ what specific ramifications do you anticipate? (You may check more than one box.)

() I will earn the respect of my striking major league brethren. That and $50 still won’t pay my weekly grocery bill.

() I will be applauded by my striking major league brethren, then forgotten by my striking major league brethren five minutes after the new basic agreement is signed.

() I will receive no more friendly handshakes from the nice general manager who handed me this questionnaire.

() I get bus fare home tomorrow.

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3. If I consent to play in exhibition games this spring, I understand the fans will most likely:

() Boo me, ridicule my physical skills, question my manhood and insult my family lineage. Just like they do a real major leaguer.

() Throw garbage at me from the bleachers. And, if one of them manages to hit me, he replaces me before tomorrow’s game.

() Offer to give me their autographs.

() Stay at home and watch a hockey game.

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4. “Scab” means:

() A worker who accepts employment or replaces a union worker during a strike.

() One who works for less than union wages or on non-union terms.

() A crust that forms over a wound that may be inflicted upon my person by a union worker should I consent to participate in an exhibition game this spring.

() Strikes called per at-bat.

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5. “Replacements” are:

() Me and my teammates.

() Keepers of the flame.

() The life blood of major league baseball, for the moment and this moment only.

() The only remaining leverage the owners have against the players.

() Here today, gone tonight if the basic agreement is signed by sundown.

() Seminal Minneapolis rock band of the 1980s that foreshadowed the grunge/punk movement of the 1990s with several critically acclaimed albums of literate, melodic, rambunctious teen anthems. Also foreshadowed the baseball replacement player movement of 1995 when it sang: “You be me for a while/And I’ll be you.”

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6. Rather than ‘scab’ and ‘replacement,’ I preferred to be called:

() Enhancement Player.

() Quality Depth.

() The Cavalry.

() Kelly Girl.

() Alternative Jock.

() Employed.

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7. Assess the following statement: “If I wasn’t playing, I would pay to watch replacement baseball.”

() Ha.

() Ha Ha.

() Ha Ha Ha.

() Really, you should be writing for Leno.

*

8. So far, my experience in training camp as a replacement player has been:

() Fraught with anxiety and uncertainty.

() Fraught with strikeouts and missed cutoff men.

() A great opportunity to meet new people, although next time you might want to consider name tags.

() Good for my career in the short term.

() Not so good for my career in the long term.

() My career is driving a warehouse forklift. Who cares if this has been good for my career or not? This has been two weeks of hanging out with the guys, drinking beer and playing catch in the Arizona sunshine. This is the best paid vacation I’ve ever had.