Laugh Lines : Jokes

Grammy Gab: Among Kevin Healey's top 10 overheard backstage remarks:

* "Yes, Ms. Streisand, Snoop Dogg has had his shots."

* "We need an interpreter. Bob Dylan wants to say something."

* "Red alert. Bono's got a microphone."

* "Red alert. Sonny Bono's got a microphone."

* "It has been a year, but Frank Sinatra just finished his acceptance speech."

* "Milli is parking cars, and Vanilli is checking coats."

* "Call the caterer. Luciano Pavarotti just cleaned out the mini hot dogs."

* "Prince. Hey Prince. Why won't he answer me?"


In the news: Comedy writer Argus Hamilton, on Barings financier Nicholas W. Leeson: "He bet $750 million on derivatives and bet interest rates would decline during a boom. He's been given political asylum by the Las Vegas Hilton."

Comedy writer R.J. Johnson, on Lamar Alexander's presidential bid: "He's young, a former governor of a Southern state and a Washington outsider. Also, journalists charge he changes his mind a lot and makes quick bucks on financial deals with pals. Sounds like a winning combination."

Reader Mack Dryden, on Chinese officials signing the agreement to stop pirating American CDs: "They're outraged now that they've learned it requires them to buy 9 million CDs at a penny apiece and then one a month until the end of the century."

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on convicted sports gambler Ronald Sacco, sentenced to 68 months in a federal prison: "Sacco's bookies estimated the odds he'll be out in half that time at 7-2."

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the brother of the former Mexican president now accused of plotting a political foe's assassination: "This doesn't happen in America. The only thing Roger Clinton has ever killed is a piece of music."


Cirque du O.J.: "Rosa Lopez's eyes are so bad she had to borrow F. Lee Bailey's glasses, but they didn't help. All she could see were dollar signs." (Jay Leno)

* "The court's bending over backward to accommodate her, setting a dangerous precedent. What's next? Kato Kaelin getting a day off because he's got a 'Baywatch' callback?" (David Gee)

* "Michael Knox is the fourth juror to be excused. Trial watchers eagerly await the day Judge Ito starts removing lawyers." (Bob Mills)

* "Marcia Clark's ex-husband-to-be says her job is a bad influence on their kids. Instead of crying like a normal child, their 3 year-old screams, ' Objection, objection!' " (Mills)

* "Kaelin's agent called Barbara Walters to set up an interview, but may have blown his chance. When Walters asked what kind of tree Kato would like to be, he said 'a shoe tree.' " (Healey)


Buena Park reader Gary Garison overheard a young boy who was concerned about the outcome of his Little League game. "Mom, I'm worried we are gonna lose today." His mother replied, "Johnny, that's the wrong attitude. You need to be more positive." The boy replied:

"OK, I'm positive we're going to lose today."

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